


The Bird and The Beast

by HouseofTroi



Category: DCU (Comics), Titans (TV 2018)
Genre: Anger Management, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Consent, Dark Magic, Dream Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enthusiastic Consent, F/F, F/M, Genderfluid Character, Lazarus Pit (DCU), Lazarus Pit Madness, Love Confessions, M/M, Magic, Masturbation in Shower, Orphans, Past Abuse, Sexual Tension, Underage Masturbation, Underage Sex, Work In Progress, e - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 27,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25413904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseofTroi/pseuds/HouseofTroi
Summary: I binged Titans.  Garfield and Rachel are great.  I can see something happening with them in the future, but it wouldn't be soapy goodness if they didn't have some conflicts.  They each pulled each other back from being swallowed by their own darkness.  This is what I want to happen in Season 3.  Rachel comes home.  Time moves forward.  People change and grow.Note:  I bumped ratings etc because the story will deal with consenting people of legal, just under, and 16 years old.
Relationships: Dawn Granger/Hank Hall, Dick Grayson & Koriand'r & Garfield Logan & Raven & Rose Wilson, Dick Grayson & Raven, Garfield Logan/Raven, Koriand'r & Donna Troy
Comments: 24
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

Gar scented the air before walking into the kitchen. The aroma that interested him was clean/warm skin, incense, and feminine. Rachel. He paused before walking in. She just got back from Themyscara at Midnight. It took a day plus 8 hours to get to San Francisco from the home of the Amazons. It was early or late depending on whether she had been asleep since leaving the island. He smelled and heard the coffee start to brew. 

“Good Morning or Good Night?” He asked as he walked in. He flashed her a grin. She faced him with narrowed eyes. A heartbeat then her mouth quirked up.

“Does it have to be one or the other?” She was openly smiling. That smile, it warmed him. He missed her.

“Well, I am going to start making breakfast. So Good Morning?” He pulled out the pan for pancakes to start it heating while he makes the batter. Rachel smiled and grabbed the mixing bowl from overhead. 

“Pancakes are an anytime type of food. I don’t know why you have to confine it, Gar.” He shrugged and went to the refrigerator for egg and milk. 

“So, you are saying time doesn’t exist, Rach?” In his head, he thought of the all the days they were apart. It had been six months since Donna's death. Time moved forward. 

“Time is an illusion as we experience it. Now, yesterday, and tomorrow are all things we assign the experience” He rolled his eyes at that. She grabbed him a mug for when the coffee finished brewing. The pancake mix floated down without anyone touching it. She looked at him to see his reaction. He could feel her holding her breath. 

“You spill it. You clean it.” 

“Deal.” 

It was like a dance. They knew how to move around each other. Gar could feel it in his bones. They did not touch. The first batch of pancakes were on poured when the coffee post stopped brewing. Rachel poured them cups while he watched for the bubbles to break through the surface of the pancakes. She poured creamer and sugar into his cup. She took a sip and made a face. She put it within his reach. Her cup just had an obscene amount of sugar added. He flipped the pancakes and took a sip. It was just how he liked it. 

“Thanks. Do you want eggs, Rach?’ He did not know if it was his imagination, but he swore he could taste her on the cup. 

“I will beat them for scrambled?” Rachel offered. She put another pan on the stove for him. She preferred his cooking to her own. Ever since that morning in the safe house when she made eggs for everyone, Rachel liked it when he cooked. She took out a bowl and spoon to start scrambling eggs. She knew he thought a whisk and fork made the eggs tough.

“How many should I break Gar? “ 

“Break twelve.” Gar put the pancakes on the plate. He poured the batter for new pancakes. He heard the smack of the eggshells against the rim of the bowl. He flipped on the oven to warm. The oven would keep the pancakes warm while they finished the eggs. He was going to say it. He flipped the new pancakes when the bubbles broke through. The clack of the spoon whipping through the eggs.

“I missed you, Rach.” The clacking of the spoon stopped. He felt her move. The scent of her surrounded him before he felt her arms wrap around him from behind. His nostrils flared. The spatula rested near the pan. He felt her cheek rest against his back. His head dropped and his eyes closed for a moment. Their breaths synchronized. She sighed. She let go and stepped back.

“I missed you too.” The bowl of beaten eggs floated over to his right. He poured them into the heated pan and put on another batch of pancakes. He transferred the cooked ones to the plate in the oven. The familiar dance of them making breakfast continued. It was soothing and not at the same time. She had been gone months to the Amazon island. Time had moved forward, but this stayed the same. It was almost all done.

Rachel refilled her cup and had poured fresh coffee into his.

“BB baby! You made breakfast!” Terra’s voice broke shattered their dance. His girlfriend’s hands were clasped in delight. Gar cursed in his head. This is how Terra and Rachel would meet. 

“Terra, this is Rachel”

“BB?”

Rachel and Garth spoke over one another. Yep, this was awkward.


	2. There is No place like Home.  L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel Point of View - please note any input from Rachel’s darker self the Raven will be in Italic.

“BB baby! You made breakfast!” Rachel and Garth turned to the voice. There she was. Terra. New Titan. Gar’s girlfriend. The girlfriend’s hands were clasped in delight. Rachel had heard her praises from Dick and Gar, and Rose/Jericho. Dawn was very non-committal in her thoughts. ( _Don’t trust her_.)

“Terra, this is Rachel”

"BB?"

Rachel and Garth spoke over one another. Terra grinned showing even white teeth in her golden honey kissed skin. She bounded over to Rachel. ( _Break her if she touches me_ ). Terra waved her arms like she wanted to hug Rachel. Rachel kept her grip on the coffee pot and the Raven. Rachel put down the pot and held out her hand for a shake.

“Hi, I am Rachel.”

“Hi! I know! I am Terra, and I am so pleased to meet you. My BB has told me so much about you!” Terra put both of her hands around Rachel’s one. Terra shook them both up and down. ( _should throw her out the window_.) All she felt coming off Terra was delight. She seemed genuinely happy to meet her. Rachel extricated her hand. Her gem caught the light.

“BB?” Rachel kept her face bland and grabbed tighter control of her abilities. She would not act out on anything conscious or unconsciously. The Amazons helped her get control. She could control when her powers manifested. It hurt to realize that she had killed someone she thought she had spared. Or that she had used Dick’s memories to create an illusion of Bruce Wayne. She was the Raven. The Raven was her.

“She calls me BB for Beast Boy.” Gar blushed. Rachel only felt a slight echo of his feelings. She drowned out the pink of the embarrassment with grey stoicism. When she held him, she had felt his emotions and hers like a dawn pinks, yellows, oranges, and purples bleeding into one another. She had wanted to wrap herself up in the emotions, but she had to pull away. Love, embarrassment, happiness, caution, courage, and anticipation. She could not trust that what she felt from him was not her own emotions being reflected to her by subconscious. She was not permitted to feel. She reminded herself of her new training.

“BB Baby, this looks amazing!” Terra started grabbing out plates and silverware. “Titans! Breakfast is a Go!”

Rachel winced inside at how loud Terra’s voice echoed in the kitchen. Her hopes for time alone with Gar was squashed with Terra’s arrival. It was fine. ( _Move time back and put her to sleep_ ).Ok, she had not yet turned back time. While on the island with the Amazons, she discovered more of her powers and how to control them. She could heal by choice, move between dimensions, move objects, and control time. She had been able to slow time by a few seconds. She was able to move out of the way of a killing blow by slowing time. The limits of her powers were unknown.

The priestess Menalippe had taken charge of her the moment she stepped on the island. Menalippe taught her stoicism and meditation. The priestess had introduced her to a mantra to help her focus on what she wanted. She drilled Rachel harder than Dick would have ever imagine or allowed. She showed Rachel what could happen if her emotions were left unchecked. Visons of worlds destroyed with her face one of cruel satisfaction; deformed with a second set of red eyes. Trigon’s laughter ringing out. Rachel knew that she had let herself slip back into her old life and mannerisms when she felt Gar at the edge of the kitchen. His life force glimmered at the edge of her perception with all his raw emotions. He was so alive. He was a prism of the sun; pure and warm.

Dick wandered into the kitchen wearing a t shirt and jogging pants. Rose slid into the kitchen. Rachel tilted her head for moment. Jericho was in control of his sister’s body now. Hank was rubbing the back of his head while Dawn limped into the room. The team each said their good morning in turn. Dawn touched the back of Rachel’s hand.

“It is so great to have you back, Sweetie.” Dawn smiled.

“Thank you. I am pleased to be back.” Rachel’s discipline was in place. She didn’t feel for Dawn’s injuries or emotions. (I could heal her, let it flow into me.)

“I hope to be an asset to the Titans with my return,”

“I am sure you will.?” Dawn was off put. Dick frowned. Hank tensed.

“What was it you studied with Menalippe again?” Dick poured himself a cup of coffee. Jericho was piling a plate high with pancakes and eggs. He/She got a packet of frozen breakfast links. Tossed them into the microwave to warm.

“Primarily, mental and emotional focus.” Rachel’s voice and face were blank. She put two pancakes and serving of eggs on her plate. “I will continue to visit monthly for continued training in magic.”

“Your ass is going to be numb from those 32-hour commutes one way. “Hank finished pouring the coffee and started a new pot. Dawn’s eyes flicked to Dick. He just sipped his coffee. Dick knew how she intended to make that happen, but he wanted her to tell the team.

“I can teleport the distance. It will be instantaneous and not interfere with any of my duties.” She sat down at the table on the opposite side of Gar. Terra was on his other side and kissed his cheek. He blushed. A bottle of syrup floated to the table.

“Teleport! That must be amazing! “Jericho spoke with Rose’s mouth full of pancakes.

“It is very practical.” The syrup poured. It returned to the counter.

“I still think we need to do more tests before you try such a long distance, Rachel.” Dick dished up his own plate. He grabbed a fruit salad container out of the fridge and put it on the table. Dick poured the blueberries, melons, and strawberries onto his plate. He offered the container to Rachel. She ignored him. Dick offered to Hank. Hank poured out half the container.

“If you deem it prudent, I will complete a series of tests before committing to traveling to Themyscira.” Rachel paused between bites. Her movements were robotic. Gar frowned. She was not tasking the food. It was just fuel.

“We will start testing your new abilities out before integrating you back with the team.” Dick looked at the rest of the table. There were groans, objections, and ooh neat from the rest. Hank got up to get the breakfast links. Hank tossed half to Jericho and put the rest on his plate.

“That sounds agreeable. If you will excuse me, I am going to go meditate.” Rachel was finished. Gar glanced at Rachel and the room. His face was questioning. She didn’t wait for Dick to respond.

Rachel walked back to her room. She closed the door. Rolled out a carpet, she assumed the meditation pose. The black aura of the Raven surrounded her. It was the fully formed shadow of a winged bird. She let all the feelings she had earlier was away in the grey to yield to the blackness that was her soul.


	3. But it’s no use now,” thought poor Alice, “to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!” —Chapter 1, Down the Rabbit-Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gar’s Point of View. What is going on with Rachel?

“That sounds agreeable. If you will excuse me, I am going to go meditate.” Rachel sounded so flat. Gar glanced at Rachel and the room. His face was questioning. She didn’t wait for Dick to respond. If he hadn’t seen her leave, he wouldn’t know she had gone. Her smell had shifted once Terra interrupted them. It freaked him out how her smell started fading immediately once Terra spoke. His brain was trying to puzzle it out when the conversation about her learning to teleport and control her emotions. His animal senses were on high alert. 

“What the Fuck did the do to her Blue Bird?” Hank was holding his fork like he was seriously thinking of using it to stab Dick. Dawn was glaring at Dick. Electricity raced along Gar’s spine. He wanted to shift into a gorilla and start breaking things. Rachel’s scent was gone completely from the room. He couldn’t taste her on his cup.

“You heard Rachel. They taught her mental and emotional discipline. “Dick’s lips were pursed. He sucked on his teeth. “Kory’s people call Rachel the Destroyer of Worlds. They call her the Raven.” 

Terra’s eyes were bright. “We already knew that Dick. What did they do to her?” Gar didn’t growl the words. He wanted to. He wanted to bare his teeth.

Dick squared his shoulders. “Rachel went to the Amazons to attempt to resurrect Donna. She failed, but other things happened.”

“What happened?” from Gar. Cries of What from the other Titan’s lips. Terra’s hand covered her mouth.

“Why the Hell did you let her do that? “Dawn spat out. Dick held up a hand. They quieted.

“It was Rachel’s choice to try. She knew she could fail, but she felt she had to find her limits. Her grief and rage were impressive. Her attempt rippled out from the island. Seals were broken and things creeped out. Rachel helped put things to right, but Menalippe the priestess received a vision. She saw what Rachel would do without training. World after world consumed by a dark shadow. They started training her as an Amazonian Warrior Priestess.”

Jericho signed what the hell does that mean as Rose spoke through their shared body.

“What the hell is that?”

“It is total suppression of emotion and elevation of her intellect. She meditated and trained. She doesn’t need to sleep anymore. She just needs to meditate for a few hours, and she is fine. It was six months, but Rachel trained 20 hours a day. She was there five weeks when her soul self fully formed.”

“Pretend I am stupid. Tell me what that actually means, Bird Boy” Hank’s grip on his fork tightened till his fingers were white. Gar could smell anger rolling off of him and sick scent of fear. Pungent and sticky under the anger was a fear. 

“We have all seen Rachel’s darkness flow out of her. It isn’t like smoke or water anymore. It is a fully shaped shadow for lack of a better term. It has always been somewhat sentient. It is the Raven. It is Rachel. It can leave her body and move around. Her body is a discarded doll while that self-moves around. It can be physically attacked and attack you. It can heal you. It can see and talk to you. “

“You let them do that to her??” Dawn slapped her palm against the table. Gar could smell her anger. No fear. Just the pheromone of fight. Dawn was ready to defend. 

“Dawn, it was going to happen. From what Kory and the Amazon’s said, it is part of her development as she ages. She is a cambion (a half breed demon). They either die or turn full demon. She does not have much time. Once she reaches her 18th birthday, there is some sort of rite that will happen. Rachel would die. Or she would be come the Destroyer of Worlds. The Amazon’s did not want to kill her. They did not want to let her become the Destroyer of Worlds. They chose to train her. In order to save her life and our worlds, Rachel cannot give into her emotions. Her love heals, but her anger kills. “Dick seemed to deflate before Gar’s eyes.

“To save her, they had to destroy what made her?” Gar’s voice cracked. He was confused. Rachel had started the morning just like she had been. Her smell, her voice, and her manner were the Rachel he knew. It was if they had not been apart. He was relieved. They had not taken her away.

“Yes.” 

“How is that supposed to work Dick?” Rose got up to fill her coffee cup. Jericho had given full control to his sister. It hadn't worked. The Amazon's plan- it hadn;t worked. It could not work. Gar knew that. Rachel was kind. She felt for people. It is what motivated her. Her heart was what made her stand up to Trigon. It is what made her find him underneath the Cadmus conditioning. He had proof of that from this morning.

“Her return to the tower is a test case. If she can maintain the discipline over herself and her emotions, she stays. If she can’t, she returns to the island to train until her 18th birthday. If she fails the rite that day, the Amazon’s have sworn to kill her.” Dick was sweating. 

“No!” Gar shouted and flipped the table. Gar’s teeth were bared. Dick scrambled out of the way of the furniture and dishes. The other Titans voices joined Gar in their denials. Dick’s arm was raised with the palm up.

“She asked them to do it Gar! It isn’t what I want. It isn’t what I decided. It was Rachel.” Gar could scent salt as Dick’s eyes glistened. Dick wanted to cry. The smell of Dick’s sorrow spoke to Gar’s own. 


	4. Making wishes for me. Causing calamity/The only solution, abandons me/This is a tragedy. I meet with it gratefully/ Destroyer The Birthday Massacre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Titans wiki lists Rachel born in 2005 and Gar born in 2003. There is approximately 2 years difference in age. I am fudging that for this story. Rachel turned 16 on the Island. Gar is about to turn 18. Terra is 18 and will turn 19 in 3 months. 
> 
> Italic text is Raven( Rachel's darker half) Part of the discussion will between her two sides.

Rachel POV

She bled her emotions into the grey. She was surrounded by and inside her soul self. Echoing blackness that shone like the wings of a Raven, it was all her. The darkness spoke to her. It was the ageless power of Trigon expressed though her human soul. All the negative feelings purged. All the good ones.

Rachel saw her morning with Gar as a slip. She could not make that mistake again. _(_ _He loves me.)_ She could not respond to him as a person. He could not mean any more or less to her than a stranger. _(_ _He is Gar!)_ Her head was thrown back in her meditation stance. The gem in her forehead pulsed in time with her human heartbeat. 

She had not healed Dawn. Before the Island, she would have grabbed Dawn’s hand and done it on instinct alone. She might have thrown Terra out the window out of possessiveness or invaded her mind. She would have delved deeply into Terra’s mind and past as a form of protection. She no longer invaded or took the choice from those around her. It was an improvement. _(_ _Disappointed_ _.)_

Menalippe voice spoke to her. “Empty of emotions. Let go. Release them and the attachments.” 

Rachel was calm. The days bled into one another. Dick tested her resolve. She aided in missions. She practiced teleporting throughout the tower. It was an explosion of dark light. She was in the kitchen. She was in the training room. Dick threw a blade at her. She appeared in her room in an instant. Gar nearly jumped to the ceiling the first time she teleported near him. He started and his face took on the Tiger cast. He sniffed the air. He snarled...

“Rachel, I can’t smell you.” Sadness clouded his features. “Why can’t I smell you?”

“I am not as I was Garfield Logan.” She disappeared. Fireflies in rainstorm, she was in her room. She stayed away from them. She stayed away from Garfield. No Grape Crush and Cheezits. No gaming. No falling asleep next to each other. No pull of him in her heart. Meditation, missions, and training were her days and nights.

Missions outside the tower. She absorbed their pains. She healed the injuries. The pain flowed into her soul self. It absorbed the pains and held them till her meditation. Boxed them up like the pigeons Dawn used to keep. They flew out into the universe. She never touched the pain. She did not cradle it close to soothe it with her warm heart. 

Fireflies in a rainstorm, she was in that moment between dimensions when she felt it. She felt him. The pain was searing, blinding in its intensity. It just stopped. She continued to her destination. There was a hostage situation that the Titans were handling. She did not follow the pain or it’s sudden absence. (He is dead). She took the bomb and dropped into the nothing. She returned to the mission. She did not tell the Titans. She healed Garfield of a bullet wound to the shoulder. His emotions and pain beat against her indifference. . His nostrils flared. His face was scrunched in pain. She took the pain without touching the rest of his emotions.

There was a message waiting for them when they returned to the Tower. Alfred Pennyworth spoke to Richard. Connor returned to the Tower that night from Superman’s fortress. He brought news of Jason Todd. The Joker had tortured him to death. Richard was devastated. He argued with his attorney about flying to Gotham. Richard could not. He was under house arrest while pending trial. Bruce had secured Richard’s release with a bond that would make a small dictator retire. He was free while the legalities of his incarceration and prison escape were sorted out. It was no good. No judge would approve his flight back to Gotham.

Garfield was also confined to San Francisco for his actions at the carnival. A trial was on deck for Garfield and Connor once Connor’s status was determined. Connor was an outlier. No one had legally determined his rights yet. Was he property of Cadmus? Was he a citizen of Krypton and a refugee like Superman? Was Connor the son of Lex Luthor and a citizen of the U.S.? Was Eve the scientist who created him his legal mother? Who had custody since he was only months old despite his size? Those questions had left him in a legal limbo. 

The Titans were sobbing either alone or huddled together. Jericho and Rose were having an intense conversation between themselves and their shared body. The body was muttering and signing while tears fell. Richard was speaking into his cellphone with Alfred. Dawn and Hawk together alternating between tears and plans for revenge. Garfield was sobbing in Terra’s arms near the fireplace. Connor was petting his dog and speaking to his mom Eve. Rachel went to her room to meditate. 

_(Gar was in her arms. She held him when it should be me.)_ Empty of emotions. Let go. Release them and the attachments. Azarath Metrion Zinthos. The bearing, the sphere, and the highest point to chart a course through the stars.

(I could have saved Jason. I could have been there in an instant. I could have healed him and disposed of the bomb. No one had to die.) 

Time passed. She did not know how much since Connor’s arrival. Her soul self was restless. Something piqued its interest in the Tower. She let it creep up on the interest. It was no more than a shadow inching along the floor. The emotions were intense from the bed. It was red fueled by black and blue emotions from Garfield. She saw without eyes Garfield bare in the middle of his bed. Terra undulated above him. Garfield’s hands were on Terra’s hips. His gaze intent on Terra’s face. Terra’s nails dug into Garfield’s pectorals. ( _No!_ ) Her soul fled back to her body. She knocked into his lamp. She felt Garfield’s emotions slip into caution. 

“I should not have investigated that.”

_“_ _I had to see. Gar is mine_ _”_

“Garfield belongs to himself. I have no claim to him or right to have any bond to him. His private affairs are his own concern.”

_“_ _He loves all of me. I love all of him_ _. “_

“ I have never been prepared or shown how to romantically love another. I have not been prepared to love anyone in any way. I do not know how.”

_“Liar. It is our nature to love. It is our nature to feel. Empathy and emotions are what fuel our abilities. I can choose how to express those.”_

_“_ My choices involve manipulating friends and those I love. Killing those I deemed unfit. It is not my right to take the choices of others.”

_“I did not take his choice in the dream. He wanted me. I wanted him. The feelings were mutual.”_

“ I cannot trust that.”


	5. When beggars die there are no comets in the sky. The heavens only announce the deaths of princes. Julius Caesar (II, ii, 30-31)

Gar did not feel pain when he got hit, just this weird wave of feeling hot and wet on his left side. He transformed after the bomb was disposed by Raven. Batman’s miracle worker of a suit designer found a way to make clothes that stayed with him while he transformed. It was fantastic to not be naked in front of everyone when he used his abilities. His eyes saw the wound. His mind would not process what it meant. Terra shouted.

Raven appeared next to him. He did not call her Rachel. She did not feel like Rachel to him. He looked over and saw blood running down his side. There was a red hole in his shoulder, then he felt the burning pain. The Raven touched him, and he felt the pain flowing away. He tried not to jerk away from her hands. She was close enough for him to sniff her hair. He did not put his nose into her hair. He did not need to do so. She had no scent. It was an artificial blankness. His wound knit quickly under her shimmering hand.

‘Thank you Raven.” He used the codename whenever he spoke with her now. His teeth were still a tiger’s, so his tone was clipped. That was the reason. Terra encased the shooters in a wall of earth while Raven healed him. The heads of the gunmen were the only part visible. They screamed obsenities at Terra. Terra did a little squeeze to the shooters with the earth.

“Stop Screaming. You aren’t going anywhere assholes.” Terra looked at Gar. She gave him a small smile. 

“You are welcome Changeling.” Raven’s voice was as artificially blank as her scent. Nothing was given away. Gar turned on his heel to walk to Terra. He was angry. It was a pointless feeling. He knew why Raven was necessary. The anger was still there. He wanted to beat his chest as a challenge to fate. It was pointless as his feelings. He still missed Rachel. It hurt more than the bullet. 

They were wrapping up with the FBI about to go back to the Tower. The wind brought the whisper of the scent to him. It was rose veiled in vanilla with tobacco, patchouli, oakmoss, and sandalwood. Rachel’s scent. He looked hard at her. Raven walked to the waiting car. She could teleport back to the Tower, but she rode with them whenever possible. The scent disappeared.

They had all hit the Tower when Dick’s communicator was screaming in alarm. Dick answered and his entire body went rigid. Gar could smell the changes in his emotions. Salt scented the air. Gar felt the hair raising on his neck. This was not good. This was not good. Dick thanked Alfred for telling him. Dick said goodbye, and his legs gave out. 

“Jason’s dead.”

“Dick, what is wrong?” “Nightwing!” “What?” all the sounds of disbelief and concern from all the Titans except one. Raven was silent. Impassive as stone, her expression and scent did not change. The room was awash in emotions and scents. Tears, sweat, the smell of stomach acid as people swallowed down their grief. There was a box where it ended around Raven. Krypto barked. Raven walked over to the window. She opened the window to allow Connor inside. 

Terra wrapped her arms around Gar. She sat him down near the fireplace. Sobs wracked his body. Raven walked wordlessly back to her room. His throat was clogged by tears. Gar was grateful to Terra. She felt solid and warm. He could smell Terra’s peaches, honey, and cream scent. It was comforting. He wanted Rachel. That desire made him sick with guilt. Terra was here and she was holding him. Gar should not want someone else.

Dick couldn’t travel to Gotham because he had staged that jail break when he realized Jericho was still alive. Gar couldn’t travel to Gotham because of Cadmus turned him int a murderer. Their trials were still pending. Nothing could be resolved until there was a ruling about Connor. The legal system didn’t know if Connor was a person or property. The law didn’t know if he was a citizen, alien, or experiment. The rest of the team would be on Bruce’s jet in three days for Jason’s funeral. Bruce was having to work with customs to get Jason’s body home. He was beaten to death by the Joker somewhere in Europe. The Titans all separated. Gar went to his room. He fell down face first onto his bed.

His fury, pain, and sorrow were choking him. He heard a knock. The scent at his door was Terra’s. Guilt stabbed him in the gut. She was his girlfriend. She came into his life at his worst moment. Terra was there when Rachel disappeared into Raven. Terra hung out and talked to him as his conversations with Rachel grew more and more infrequent on the island. He asked her out on a date four months after Rachel left. They started having sex three weeks after Raven came to the Tower. Gar made some noise that indicated for Terra to come in. He turned over to face Terra.

“Hey BB Baby, Are you ok?” Terra’s teeth worried one side of her lips. He was an epic level dick for not appreciating her.

“No.” Gar gestured for her to join him on the bed.

“What can I do?” Terra’s hands were running up and down his arms.

“Hold me.” Gar leaned into her. Terra kissed his hair. He rested there until he heard her heartbeat shift. Her scent grew warmer. He looked up into her eyes. Terra smirked. They kissed. One hand fisted into her hair while the other pulled up her top. His left hand drew circles with just a hint of claw over her breasts. Their clothes started being pulled off and thrown. It didn’t matter where. It just mattered that they were out of the way. Terra bit his shoulder that Raven had healed. His yip excited her.

Gar smelled Terra’s arousal. He bent to take a nipple into his mouth.

“No.”

He startled back. Ok, maybe she didn’t want this or was unsure. Gar blinked as he tried to form words.

“Lay back. I am going to take care of you BB Baby. “Terra’s smile was unsettling. It looked predatory. Her scent indicated arousal and something else. He couldn’t quite name it. He shivered. He did as he was bid. Terra crawled on top of his hips. She lined herself and him up. 

“Ready?”

“Yes, Terra” Gar was surrounded by warmth. He lost focus on everything but Terra. He was watching her face as she moved. His grief mixed with desire. Fueled his hips surging up, he moaned. Terra’s scent was still mixed, but her face was wrong. Her expression was confusing to him. His eyes had shifted to a tiger’s. A shadow moved. The lamp fell to the floor. He surged up and pulled Terra off. He was looking around.

“What the fuck?!” Terra shouted


	6. Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.  Mark Twain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel deals with grief, guilt, and her powers. Italic is her inner thoughts. The Darker Side of herself, the Raven.

Fireflies _i_ n a rainstorm, she retreated to Dodge Ridge. Mountains north of San Francisco. It was a good year. There was snow on the ground. Rachel put down her rug. She assumed the meditation pose. She had sought peace in the natural surroundings.

 _“_ _I fled the tower_ _.”_ Rachel the emotions bleed out into the grey. Meteors started to fall. She felt them as her grief overtook her. She should have saved him. She should have run to him. He was her friend. The jerk who took all the hot water. The guy who yelled invitation accepted after a demon took an acquaintance. He was going to save the day. The guy one who bragged and boasted about how he was the best. He said it the loudest because he was certain that no one thought it. The guy who was certain he was a reject. Jason was certain he was replaceable. He was not. He was as unique as the tears that froze to her face. It was her fault. She could have saved him.

The sky continued to be lit with meteors. They covered the sky. They all burned in the atmosphere. At the Tower, every satellite Bruce owned was focused on finding them before they hit. None did. Batman’s computer churned and churned looking for landfall. None happened. She breathed in and out. She heard a slow heartbeat. 

Fireflies in a rainstorm, she was back at the Tower. Rachel wanted to sleep. She had Richard (Dick) remove the bed when she came back from Themyscara. She wasn’t supposed to need one now that she started becoming a priestess. She was exhausted. She threw pillows around in a pile to make something like a mattress. She could barely get her cloak off when she passed out. She heard the heartbeat. It sounded so far away. She didn’t dream. 

Rachel woke up. That was the first sign that something was wrong. She woke up. Rachel groaned. Everything hurt. That was the second sign. The pressure of the air on her skin was painful. It was like she was one giant bruise. She practiced her breathing. In and out, the pain dulled to an ache. A knock at her door. 

“Come in.” Rachel tried not to groan. No one entered. That was not so unusual anymore. The rest of the Titan’s avoided her when not on a mission. No pizza binges or watching Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein.

“Raven, we are all meeting for breakfast.” Gar was outside her door. His emotions white with shots of blue and black. He was cold, sad, and in mourning. It radiated out to her. His emotions touched her like a butterfly’s wings. No more than a promise of movement, but she felt it. She felt the spark in her briefly touch the air around him. She heard his intake of breath. 

“I will be down shortly, Gar -field.” She almost called him Gar. Rachel caught herself. She hobbled to the shower. Turned the water up as high as she could stand it, she let the heat sink into her bones. She came down to a somber table. Richard _(_ _His name is Dick, Stop being an idiot. You can use his name.)_ was missing. That was not surprising. Rachel knew he was still in the Tower. His pain ebbed and flowed like the tide. He was drowning in it. She wanted to comfort him.

Gar looked her up and down. He tried to catch her eyes. She purposefully avoided looking at him. Rachel got a plate and put two pancakes with eggs. Most of the Titans were just picking at their food. Terra was chattering nonstop about something. Dawn’s eyes were red and puffy. She looked like she wanted to beat Terra with the coffee maker. _(_ _I want to fling her out the window. Dawn would stick up for me_ _)._ Rachel put her plate down next to Dawn’s. She got herself a glass of water with her hands instead of her powers.

Gar snuck a look her direction. Their eyes met for a moment. Rachel’s gaze flicked away. If she looked in Gar’s eyes too long, her distance would crumble. It was already hard to concentrate this morning. She must have gotten some level of hypothermia because she ached all over. She took a bite of pancake. It needed butter. She thought of Cliff the robot man’s description of pancakes that was almost pornographic. Rachel remembered Cliff revered food. His joy at hearing Rachel’s enjoyment of chicken was pure gold. It was ecstasy tinged with sorrow. It was his sacrament to bonding with the people around him. His memories of all the little things he loved about being human. Her lips quirked for a fraction of a second.

“Could you pass the butter?” Rachel asked Terra. T“Sure, Raven.” The team had started calling her by her code name all the time. It grated on Rachel at that moment. ( _I could just fling her out the window. I really could._ ) The only sounds were of forks picking at food.Metal against stone. 

“Thank you, Terra” Gar face scrunched up. He closed his eyes for a moment. His nose twitched. He got up from the table. He grabbed his coffee cup. 

“BB Baby?” Gar pointed to his empty coffee cup. The intent clear. Rachel’s eyes followed his movements. His sadness was more acute. His emotions were churning. A butterfly’s wing and his emotions stilled. He made up his coffee. He took a breath. Rachel held her own. 

“Would you like some coffee, Raven?” She had been drinking this foul-smelling tea since returning to the Tower. It was supposed to help her focus. . 

“Yes, please”


	7. There's such a sad love /Deep in your eyes /A kind of pale jewel /Open and closed Within your eyes. - Song  As the World Falls Down by David Bowie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra has many incarnations in DC. I am not going with the wounded misfit. She isn't a sad little girl.

“Would you like some coffee, Raven?” She had been drinking this foul-smelling tea since coming to the Tower. It was supposed to help her focus. It smelled like a bog fart to Gar. He thought of watching Labyrinth with Rachel. The giggles inspired by the farting swamp sphincter. He laughed till he farted. Rachel lost it. Her imitation of Ludo, “SMELL BAD!”

“Yes, please” Gar could feel his heart in his chest. He was surprised that no one commented on hearing it. He poured her a cup. He grabbed the sugar. He counted to 15 while the sugar poured. He stirred. He took a sip and made a face. It was perfect for Rachel. His palms were sweaty. He put the cup down in front of Raven. He waited for her first sip. He focused on her mouth. Raven took a sip, but he swore he saw flicker of a smile. Rachel. She nodded. The faint scent of rose veiled in vanilla with that incense. Rachel’s scent. He sat down. He could feel the blood in his ears. He wasn’t imagining it. He thought he was mistaken last night and this morning. He couldn’t keep ignoring it.

After the lamp fell last night, he was on high alert. He and Terra put back on their clothes. He eventually fell asleep after Terra left. She didn’t like that he didn’t want to finish. She was frustrated and angry. Gar had rebuffed her advances more than once.

“Aren’t you supposed to want sex? You are a teenage boy who becomes animals. “Terra snapped at him after he pulled her hands out of his boxers for the third time. 

“My friend just died. I am not in the mood.” 

“You were in the mood till the lamp fell”

Gar pinched his nose. “Terra, I just want to hold you and be held. Maybe we should just call it a night and start tomorrow like this part of today never happened?”

“Fine.” Terra stalked off to her room. He fell asleep, but it was fitful. He was listening for something, anything to attack. He got up too early. His alarm didn’t get to sound when he decided to get out of bed. Gar decided to head to the kitchen. He pulled down all the supplies for pancakes, eggs, and sausage. Hank came into the kitchen and started coffee. 

“I am going to run for doughnuts, too. “ Hank spoke with both his hands on the counter. He was leaning into the counter. 

“Sounds good. Will we talk at breakfast?” 

“Dick said he would update us then. That is when he will update us.”

Gar just nodded. He was on auto pilot. Hank left quickly. Gar was almost done when he heard/smelled the other Titans stir. He greeted Connor, Dawn, and Jericho when they came into the room. They started setting out plates, fruit, and glasses. He smelled honey and peaches. Terra was awake and on the move. 

Another scent ghosted his way due to Terra’s movement, he paused flipping pancakes. It had to be his imagination. Hank walked in. The doughnut shop just next door to the Tower.

“Should we wait for Dick?” He asked as he put the last of the pancakes on the plate. 

“I will go tell him breakfast is ready. Someone should go tell Raven.” Dawn stated. Her hands were shaking.

“Morning BB Baby.” Terra gave him a side hug. Gar hugged back limply. He was still angry about what she said last night. He felt embarrassed and shamed because he hadn’t wanted to continue having sex.

“I will go tell Raven.” Gar marched quickly to the door for Raven’s room. It didn’t feel like Rachel’s room. He couldn’t help but Rachel never really returned. Raven was some strange cuckoo who pushed Rachel out of the Tower and the rest of her life. He got to the door. He knocked once. Rachel’s scent was coming from the room. It was her smell from when she was sleeping. Raven didn’t sleep. That’s it. He was cracking up. 

“Come in.” The voice was muffled. Rachels voice when woken up. He didn’t go in the room. His feet wouldn’t move or his hands. He couldn’t’ open the door. He couldn’t leave.

“Raven, we are all meeting for breakfast.” Gar said with hesitation. He was imagining Rachel because Jason was dead. He was wrong. It was the Raven on the other side of that door. He didn’t want to see Raven. His emotions were a blur. He was drowning in the grief. He felt a shift. He was surrounded by Rachel’s scent. Warm skin with roses and vanilla with tobacco, patchouli, oakmoss, and sandalwood. Gar felt a moment of comfort. He took in a shaky breath. He couldn’t say her name. She would disappear if he said it.

“I will be down shortly, Gar -field.” She almost called him Gar. He walked back to the kitchen. He made himself a plate. He wasn’t really hungry. After a bit, he smelled the scent coming closer. 

Raven, no Rachel, came through the door. Her hair was damp. She made up a plate and sat down next to Dawn. She took a bite of the pancake. He saw an echo of a smile when she asked for butter. 

He tried to ignore what he saw and smelled. He focused all his senses on her in the kitchen. He tried to catch her eyes. There were moments where he swore, she was hurting. He also could swear she was taking the pain of the room into herself. He saw an echo of a smile when she asked for butter. Rachel. He offered Raven coffee. He made it for Rachel. 

Dick walked in the room. Rachel’s hands twitched on her coffee cup. Dick stood at the head of the table. His shoulders were slumped. He had just been crying.

“Alfred confirmed that the jet will be here in two days. You are all welcome to stay at Wayne Manor. Bruce was able to get Jason home. The casket will be closed. If you have any favorite pictures of Jason, send them to Alfred. He is putting together . . . something. “Dick’s voice was cracking.

“What about you, Connor, and Gar?” Rose was speaking as Jericho signed using her hands. 

“No one but Superman could stop Connor. The federal government has agreed that he can go. Gar and I are not cleared to leave San Francisco. My attorney is calling everyone she can get her hands on to get permission.” Dick grit his teeth as he spoke. Chorus of disagreement surrounded Gar. Rachel blinked. Gar could see an idea form.

“Perhaps, I can teleport you and Garfield there and back? It would be instantaneous. It could be dismissed as a system error. ”Rachel spoke. The tone was flat as Raven’s normal voice. It was a lie. She had a scent. Gar looked around the room. No one seemed to notice. Terra rolled her eyes at Rachel’s suggestion. 

“Can you do that safely, honey?” Dawn put a hand on Rachel. Dawn scent was fear and worry. Then it wasn’t, her scent was overcome by Rachel’s. Dawn blinked and looked at Rachel then Gar. 

“I can.” Rachel’s voice clear and confident. The rest of the Titan’s just nodded. Gar frustration was growing. They didn’t see it. Rachel eye’s flick his way. He saw a question. He nodded.

“I will keep that under advisement. We will have that as a back up option.” Dick was shaking his head. Dick’s eyes were glazed. There. Rachel’s lips curved up. Dawn registered it and looked at Gar.


	8. Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” ― Kahlil Gibran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amazons in DC are not all virtue and light. The island is home to monsters that the Amazons keep hidden.The Amazons seem ot have an ideal of what their warriors should be that doesn't include romantic love or attachments outside of their culture. I figured there would be someone who practiced stoicism on the island. Stoicism originated in Greece. I figured since the comics had Raven/Rachel learning to surpress her emotions since birth- that plot would come up in Titans. She said first season she didn't get to mad or sad while being raised by Melissa. Rachel is growing and experience more things and emotions that her dual nature would prove challenging.
> 
> (Italict text is the voice or Rachel or Raven's darker half)

Rachel's POV

“I can.” Rachel’s voice clear and confident. It is a lie. She had doubts. She had never taken anyone with her before Rachel eye’s flick to Gar. ( _Do you trust me_?) He nodded. Rachel buried the feeling that nodded agreement caused. It was a warm ember of pride that Gar would trust her. 

Richard said something about that being a backup. Richard( _Dick, just say Dick in my own head at leas_ t) was agreeing. Rachel felt something like relief. She had to tamp down on that. Despite herself, Rachel’s lips curved up. She shook herself mentally. She had to get a better grip. She could sense all the feelings in the room. It was like a tapestry of emotions. The white of shock, the blue of sadness, the grey of mourning tinged with black despair, and red anger. It was woven over all the Titans but Terra. It made sense. She had only known Jason by reputation. The others had lived with him. Those emotions led to threads of feeling that wrapped around the team. Rachel wanted to help. ( _Take the worst of their pain. I could help them_ ). She pulled back hard on her abilities. Rachel cleaned off her dishes and silverware in the sink. She refilled her coffee cup.

Her actions seemed to spur everyone into clearing away their dishes. She could feel how everyone was at a loss. .They were adrift. There was nothing to focus on to take them out of their pain. They didn't know how to talk about Jason. They did not know how to fill the time until the jet arrived. They did not what to do until Jason’s funeral . She couldn’t be in this room without doing something. Her soul self literally thrummed to reach out and take a hand.

“ If you will excuse me, I am going to go meditate.” She turned on her heel. It. was just like her first morning back. The morning Richard . . . No Dick. Dick told them about the future Menalippe saw. A future where she had grown a second set of eyes and burned the world. The future where she embraced Trigon. 

The trip to Themyscira was a disaster from the start. She traveled there to attempt to resurrect Donna Troy. Instead she broke seals to a prison of monsters guarded by the Amazons, the so-called Paradise Island was Alcatraz. A prison where none could escape due to the remoteness and physical terrain. The Amazons maintained the seals with prayers and their physical bodies.

It was miserable and slow work battling to put the prisoners back. The Amazons had eternal youth and health. They were not immortal. They could be injured. They could die. 

Rachel fought along side them. They took the island back inch by inch. She did not have hold in her powers. She learned how to move objects with her mind. She perfected her healing by necessity. The weight of the emotions ground her down. She was offered respite in her satellite calls to Gar. She couldn’t tell him about what was happening on the island. The Amazons forbade it. They would cut the contact if she hinted what was wrong. 

She had been on the Island five weeks and a day when her 16th birthday came along. She had celebrated the success of the new seals and her birthday with some wine. Menalippe told her it was ceremonial. Rachel did not care. It could have been water the way she was drinking it. Rachel was missing Gar. She wanted to sit by the fire and look at stars with him. They could talk about everything and nothing. 

She dreamed of Gar that night. She slipped into sleep at midnight the morning of her birthday. Half a world away, Gar fell asleep in the afternoon. She turned and he was there on her pallet mat. He snuggled up to her; his warmth soothing despite the heat of the island. She felt his joy. He sniffed the air and his arm snaked around her middle. Gar pulled her close to put his nose in her shoulder. 

This was the position they often found themselves when they fell asleep watching movies. Rachel would wake to find Gar’s nose buried between her shoulder and her neck. He would have an arm and a leg around her. He would pull her close to him. In their sleep, he would put his back to the door. His body in defense . He sighed and rubbed his lips against her neck.

“ This has to be a dream. “ His emotions and hands washed over her. She felt the words as he said them. “I don’t want to wake up. “ He inhaled deeply. His breath tickling her nape .

“ I hate this distance between us. Rach, I miss you.” His limbs were heavy with sleep. Was this a dream? Was the wine making her hallucinate? She could feel his hurt. It throbbed like a heartbeat.

“ It is killing me that we are so far apart . . . I love you Rachel. ” Gar whispered. He relaxed into her body. The hurt, confusion, and ache of loss was worn away as he breathed next to her. He was content in having her near . The tide of his contientment lapping away the hurts. She felt his love. Rachel turned into his arms bringing her face to his. His eyes were closed as she spoke.

“ I hate being away from you. I hate not being able to tell you what is happening with me. “ Gar opened his eyes. There was confusion and hope.

“ This distance is killing me too. I love you Gar Logan.” Rachel stammered. She did. She loved him. Her laughing, loving Gar who hated blood. All the ferocity of a beast, but the most gentle of hearts.

He would not transform at the asylum to save himself pain. Gar who defied them by saying it felt good when they tortured him because he would not give the satisfaction of seeing his tiger. He would have died before giving in. 

All it took was for her to be threatened. The scientist who tortured Gar gestured at Rachel with a cattle prod. Gar transformed in an instant. Gar killed him. It had hurt him so much to do that. Gar always pulled her to the light. She felt the tears fall. Happy he loved her that much. Sad that he would hurt himself to save her. Gar blinked at her. His eyes were human in the moonlight.

Gar cupped her face with his right hand. He wiped her tears away with his thumb. He kissed her cheeks. Rachel closed her eyes to hold in the feelings she felt. Gentle kisses on her eyelids. Her eyes fluttered open. She could see indecision and fear. Hope and wariness warred on his face. A decision fought through. His eyes widened.

“It is a dream, but I am not going to hide here.” Gar’s touched his lips to hers with a whisper. He was so tentative. He pulled back to check her expression. Rachel felt his question. He wanted to know she wanted this. He would protect her against himself. Her Gar. Rachel’s smile caused her eyes to crinkle. She could not stop. Gar grinned back. She chuffed a laugh.

Gar leaned forward and caught her lips. The hand that had wiped her tears threaded through her hair. It guided her to lean her head back. A feather touch of his tongue asked her to open her mouth. It was hard to continue while her mouth tried to smile. She managed. The kiss deepened. Her heart pounded. She arched closer. She wanted to be closer to him. She wanted him closer. 

Rachel whined and her hands moved to frame Gar’s face. Gar moaned. Rachel loved that sound. It made her stomach flutter. The wave of his feelings caused her toes to curl. It was building something. She kept kissing him. Sometimes deeply, sometimes she would break away just to smatter kisses over his face. He laughed. Pulled her in for long kisses till they both had to come up for air.

Rachel eyes half open, sneaked a guilty peek at him every time she came back for air. His lips were swollen. His eyes were dilated. Beautiful. He was beautiful. She used his hair to tug him back for a kiss. He panted and a small growl came from his throat. He pulled her in, claiming her mouth again, hungry and intense, until she was shaking from feelings coming off him. Her entire body was wracked by it. Love and desire were burning him up. He pulled back with a start.

“Shit. Sorry Rachel. Even now, I can ruin the best dream” His breath was harsh. He was shuddering pulling back on his emotions. He looked at her miserably. 

“Never.” Rachel was not going to pull away. Forward, she had to go forward. Her left hand trailed down his cheek. He arched into her hand. She traced her fingers down his neck to his chest. He grabbed her hand and held it to his heart. She could feel it pounding underneath her fingertips. 

“It is yours Rachel. My heart is yours.” He pulled her hand up to kiss her palm. ( _Mine!_ ) Rachel surged forward to kiss him. Her tongue conquered his mouth. Gar yielded to her onslaught. Her hand fumbling for the edge of his AC/DC tshirt. It was gift from Cliff. Gar pulled away. His eyes never left hers as he grabbed the back of his shirt to pull it off. He dropped it. He was half naked and all vulnerable. Rachel could not stop her hands. They were entranced with the feeling of his golden skin. She had to feel, to test the muscles that bunched and relaxed under her fingers. He was like the rays of sunshine to her alabaster skin. She ran her fingers up his back to his arching throat.

“Can I kiss you here?” Rachel whispered against his ear. She ran her fingers along his throat. She was blushing to her hair. She knew she was a mottled pink. She just knew it. He let out a shaky breath and squeaked his agreement. Rachel felt an ache start between her legs. It was a hollow burn. The door to her quarters splintered. Gar disappeared in an instant. Confusion and rage flooded her sense. Her soul self formed a shrieking silhouette of a bird. The talons snapped up the first amazon through the door. She was going to kill whoever took Gar from her. Menalippe strode into the room behind the flanking warriors. She was shouting a chant that tried to pummel Rachel . She enveloped the Amazons in her darkness. She would drain their lives for the threat to Gar. A blinding light hit Rachel. She screamed. She vomited. She passed out. 

When she came to consciousness, she was bound in golden lassos across all her limbs. Menalippe explained herself and the actions while Rachel seethed. Menalippe had a vision spurred by the wine. Menalippe had the warriors burst into her quarters to wake her with their weapons at the ready. The destruction of the door broke her connection to Gar. She lashed out. As a cambion, a half demon, Rachel was reaching maturity. Her two sides were moving closer and closer to one another. There were few paths open to her. 

Menalippe chanted and forcibly shared the vision. Rachel could taste the fear and the blood the flowed. She saw and felt the destruction of planet after planet. Rachel struggled to escape her bonds and the vision. Her struggles ceased. Shock, horror, shame flooded her. Sorrow and disgust as she saw her 18 year old self, kill Gar. 

“Come back to me Rachel. I know you are still in there. Come back to us.” The future Garfield Logan begged her come back. The future Raven tore him to pieces. Trigon’s laughter echoed. Her soul self screamed and fully retreated. She would not. She could not hurt Gar. No matter what it cost her. This vision would not come to pass. Raven’s tears flowed and sobs choked her breath. Menalippe stood over her weeping body. Her face was cold. Menalippe’s voice was hard as diamonds.

“You must give yourself completely over to my care. You will be mine to instruct. You will do as I will. Through the total suppression of your emotions, we can avert this calamity. There can be no deviation. You will do this, yes?” 

Rachel sobbed out a yes. She would protect him even against herself.


	9. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.  Lao Tzu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before folks start bashing Gar, Rachel stopped talking to him. She came back and promptly ignored him after the first morning.

Gar's POV

“If you will excuse me, I am going to go meditate.” Rachel turned on her heel. Gar felt this weird sense of déjà vu. It was like a movie. Now and then flicking back and forth so quickly it made him nauseous. It. was just like Raven’s first morning In the weeks since the Return from Themyscira (the horror movie), Gar had accepted what Dick told them. He didn’t want to but repeated contact with Raven had convinced him. Gar knew like he knew his hair was green that whatever weird, intense training the nutball priestess had insisted on. It worked. 

Rachel had disappeared into this pod person like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The good 1950’s version. Not the weird version with Jack Bauer’s dad. Rachel had been replaced by Raven. He wrote the morning of Rachel’s return off as a fluke. Gar was projecting or something like the shrink Bruce paid exorbitant money to come talk to them in the Tower would say. It was some kind of coping mechanism. Guilt because he had started a relationship with Terra. Guilt for waiting till Rachel was back and he was sure she was gone before moving completely on. He felt like a complete douche because Terra had been nothing but great to him. Some part of him had been filling the time because Rachel was gone. He had kept things casual until Rachels return. Raven came home instead. 

Raven was a worse than any slasher movie monster for Gar. She just appeared out of nowhere when he least expected. Raven would speak and it would hit Gar all over again. It was like the beatdown at Angela’s all over again. Survival had meant that Gar had to sneak and pretend to be dead. He had taken to avoiding Raven unless it was for a mission. He ran and hid to avoid. She didn’t do anything but meditate so that was a help. The rare times she was out of her room. It was like crawling over broken glass. Her lack of smell and her lack of expression. She could be in a room and he could not tell until it was too late. 

Her weird lack of smell unnerved him. His animal nature viewed that as a threat. Her lack of inflection and expression stabbed him through the heart. His human heart couldn’t take it. Gar could feel it as literal pain across his chest. So, he spent his time with Terra. 

Terra didn’t get his love of old movies. Terra did enjoy the hell out of video games. She ate pizza and drank orange crush with him. Gar let go of Rachel. He moved on with his life. He kept repeating to himself how great his life was now. He was a Titan. He had a great kick ass girlfriend. He had friends and got to meet his heroes. He met the Batman. Superman was . . . His live moved on. Or so he thought, it just took seeing Rachel peek out from behind Raven like the sun over rainclouds. A few glimpses, he was ready to bask in the light. He was like a housecat instead of tiger. He wanted to purr and curl up next to Rachel. Use his paws to pull her face to him, he wanted to rub his cheeks on hers. 

“BB, can we talk?” Terra’s hand was on his chest. He looked at it stupidly. He jerked his head towards the training room. He had been standing there in a daze.

“Sure. Let’s go to the training room” Gar didn’t want to argue with her in his room. His head and heart were already all over the place. He did not want the temptation of sex or the shadow of it right now. Gar closed the screen like entrance doors. People could hear if they got too loud. Gar stepped over to the center of the room. He crossed his arms over his body. Terra angled her body towards him. She tucked a strand of hair over her ear.

“BB Baby, I am sorry for last night.” Gar relaxed his shoulders. He bowed his head. He felt relief and guilt. He could have phrased things better. He could have handled things better. The breaking lamp put him on edge. 

“Me too, Terra. After learning about Jason’s death, I am all over the place. I wanted what we were doing.” Gar rubbed his forehead with the heal of his right hand. “ After the lamp fell, I got defensive. My brain was focusing on possible attack. I couldn’t relax. “

“Ok, BB. I get it.” Terran ran her fingers up and down Gar’s right arm. “Why do you think the lamp fell?”

Gar sighed, then shook his head. “I dunno. Earthquake?”

“I would have felt it if it were an earthquake. “ Terra’s chin thrust out. “I think it was Raven snooping.”

Gar felt a bit of panic bloom. He kept his face dismissive. “Why would Raven snoop in my room? Raven barely comes out unless it has to do with a mission. “

“I do not know. I think she knew something about Jason’s death. She was acting weird.” Terra’s hand was on her hip.

“Raven always acts weird. Water is wet. The sky is blue. Raven acts creepy and detached.” Terra’s scent was the same. Her posture was confrontational even angry. He could only smell her honey, peaches, and cream scent. It didn’t fit her face. 

“Well, we should watch her. You all call her Raven when her name is Rachel. She doesn’t act the way you all told me she acted before the island. You all just took Dick’s word for what happened. He just took the Amazon’s word. She could be spying or something. Do you trust the Amazon’s not to have turned her into some sort of weapon for them? “Terra’s shoulders were tense. Her lips were a thin line.

Gar’s shoulders slumped. His voice was thick. “I don’t know Terra. I saw how Rachel was losing control before she went to the island. I think whatever happened . . . she chose to be Raven. Rachel was desperate to have control of her abilities “

“Do you trust her? Or believe her claim to be able to take you to Gotham?” Terra’s hand waved in front of his face. It was like she was a bull fighter waving the cape to distract him. Gar had to think. 

Gar ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I believe right now. I am just trying to figure out how to go to my friend’s funeral. This is the second one in a year. I am tired of losing people. “

“I don’t trust her BB.” Terra released a sigh. Gar touched her shoulder and pulled her into a hug.

“You don’t have to trust her. You just have to trust that we will figure it out. Just don’t leave me ok, we will figure this out”. Gar choked out. Gar was so tired of loss. People kept dying or leaving him. Terra gathered him into her arms as he started to cry. She was patting the back of his head and making shushing noises. His nose was pressed against Terra’s throat. 

Her pulse remained the same. Her scent didn’t change as he was shaking like a leaf. Those facts worked his way into his mind. Gar’s instincts were on alert. His tiger self was freaking out. Red Alert! Raise shield Mr Sulu type alert. He pulled back and used the back of his arm to dry his tears. 

“I am going to go shower and get into some work out clothes. Join me for a run this afternoon?” He flashed her a tentative smile. 

“I would like that.” Terra kissed him quickly and flounced off. Gar tried to shake his head clear. He walked to his room to gather clothes. He went to his dresser and picked out, shorts, underwear, and socks. He hoped the shower would give him time to think. He grabbed a towel when he became aware of rose veiled vanilla with incense. Rachel’s scent. A knock at this door. He squeaked out a come in. He stood there with his stuff shaking in his hands when the door opened. Gar kept his eyes on the floor. He watched her feet walk up to him. 

“Can I help you Raven?” He couldn’t look up. If he was wrong, he could not survive looking up to see Raven. He needed to see Rachel. Rachel who made Rita feel seen. She wasn’t afraid. The girl who saw Cliff and Larry as people instead of victims. The girl who felt everyone’s pain and knew their worst secrets. She still thought them worth saving. No matter what. 

“Garfi . . . Gar, can you look at me?” He raised his eyes with an effort. Rachel’s eyes glistened. He could smell her warm skin. She was present. It was her. 

“Rach?” He dropped his clothes as she threw herself in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed tight. He was afraid if he loosened his grip, she would fade away into nothing. It was her scent cut with salt. She had cried. Tears had fallen. He knew that. He could hear her heartbeat. He heard a choked laugh.

“I have to still breath Gar.” He shook. He let her go slowly. He chewed his lip.

“Rachel is this ok?” She looked at him and he could see and feel her unease. Gar blurted out “I mean I am happy you are acting like you. I missed talking to you. You came back. I thought you came back as you and not Raven, but then you disappeared into Raven. You didn’t have a smell or inflection in your voice. It was weird. Are you ok? You aren’t acting like this pod person from planet 9. Is this ok?”

Rachel chuffed a laugh. " You have to breath too Gar."

“I don’t know. “Rachel paused. Gar felt a ripple of her power go out to the door. She looked at the door and nodded her head yes. The lock engaged and a blackline circled the doorframe. She was putting up a barrier. She was on edge too.

“I went to Dodge Ridge last night. Remember where Dick tried to teach me to ski? I teleported there to meditate. I couldn’t hold it anymore.” Rachel was pacing. The sight made him grin like an idiot. Rachel was pacing. 

“I tried to bleed out my emotions like Menalippe had taught me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Or I did something else.” Rachel looked at him with tense eyes.

“The meteors?”

“I think so.” She was wringing her hands. Gar took hold of her hands. She stopped twisting them.

“Was that all?” Rachel gripped his hands tight. It was Rachel’s turn to look at the floor. He could smell fear. She was afraid. He couldn’t tell if she was afraid of herself or his reaction. Gar felt electricity crawling over him. The hairs on his arms stood up. Rachel’s powers were thrumming underneath her skin. He took a deep breath. He concentrated on holding her hands.

“I do not . . . I don’t know. I kept thinking about Jason needing me and I wasn’t there. My powers . . . I did something. The meteors started to fall when I started crying. I felt . . . heard a heart start to beat. ” Rachel was shaking. 

  
“Rachel.” Gar whispered. What did she do? Did she bring him back? If she had, wouldn’t Bruce had told everyone? Dick looked like something out of a War ptsd documentary this morning. Gar didn’t think he could be that good of an actor if he knew Jason was alive. What did she bring back if it wasn’t Jason? Gar felt like he was hit with a baseball bat. He sucked in a breath. How the hell could they figure this out the Amazons finding out? Would they come for Rachel now? This entire thing was a test run. Could Rachel opt out? Should she opt out? Would Dick tell the Amazons if he knew?

“Are you scared of me? “Rachel raised her eyes to Gars. There were tears flowing down her cheeks. “Do you hate me now? I could have saved him.” 

“Rachel.. “He gathered into his arms. Her scent was swirling. Relief, fear, grief, and hope seemed to roll off her. He was getting lightheaded from it all. Rachel’s power was surrounding them both. It felt like a blanket on his skin. They were warm and cocooned together. A thump on his door. Gar felt Rachel’s power rear up. He saw a shadow of talons that she quickly pulled in. Rachel had been ready to kill or seriously injure anything that came through that door.

“I am doing laundry this week! You only shut your door for one reason. I am not doing anything with your jizz on it Beast BOY!. If you are masturbating in there, you clean it. “Rose’s voice came from the hallway.


	10. Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” — James Baldwin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel inner more dark thoughts are (Italic). No one gives Rachel full information. Kory said there would days of trials. She killed Trgon 1st episode of season 2. Nope. Not buying that at all, I also think he would do anything to manipulate her away from Gar.

Rachel POV

The thump on the door. Rachel tensed with her talons at the ready. She realized that no one was coming in. She put her soul’s talons back. Her shoulders sagged as she heard Rose bellow.

“I am doing laundry this week! You only shut your door for one reason. I am not doing anything with your jizz on it Beast BOY! If you are masturbating in there, you clean it.” Gar blushed to his ears. He held up a finger to his lips. Rachel’s mouth quirked up. He glared at the door and shouted.

“Shut it Rose!”

“I am just saying your socks were crunchy” Rose’s laughing voice faded. Rachel snickered behind her hand. Gar glared at Rachel, denial hot on his lips. 

“I don’t use my socks! I have tissues “the last part dropped off as he realized what he said. Gar groaned in embarrassment. Rachel snorted and then she started laughing. Gar glared at her then he started to crack up. Gar thrust his chin out.

“What? Like you don’t. “Gar ran his fingers through his hair. “I heard that the Amazons have all twelve volumes of Clio’s criticism on earthly pleasures. Dick overheard Wonder Woman tell Batman about it ” 

After Rachel stopped laughing, she patted Gar’s chest. Her smile faded. Her back straightened. She started putting back the layers of reserve between herself and Gar. This was a mistake. She saw the vision of her just slightly older self killing Gar. She would not let that happen. 

“Pleasure is forbidden to those who pursue the priestess role. The path of stoicism that Menalippe is training me leaves only duty.” 

Gar grabbed her hand. “No. Stay with me. Stay with us. We will figure thi out.”

“I can’t. “ Fireflies in a rainstorm. She was back in her room. The candles light themselves and she unrolled her mat. She assumed the meditation pose. She bled the feelings off into the black. Some time later, she brewed the tea. The awful, boggy smelling tea that Menalippe made her drink on the island after she agreed to let her train her. Rachel measured the leaves carefully. She set the timer. 3 minutes exactly was the time she had to let it steep. It tasted awful, but it was worse if it set too long. No sugar. No honey. Nothing was allowed in this tea,” but tea. Was it day? Was it night? She can not really keep track anymore. It does not matter. 

“Ugh, do you have to do that in the kitchen?” Gagging noises came from behind her. Terra and Gar wer ein the kitchen. They were both sweaty just back from a run. It must be around 3 p. m. 

“Brewing tea is something one normally does in the kitchen. “Rachel’s voice was flat. ( _I really should just throw her out the window._ ) Terra made a snort and was about to say something when the timer started to chime. She strained the tea into a glass and then dumped the leaves in the garbage. Gar scented the air. His eyes narrow. Fireflies in a rainstorm, she was back in her room. She sips the tea; awful as expected. She assumed the meditation pose: neck back, face to heavens, and her soul self around her physical body. 

A knock came to her door. It broke her meditation. Gar scurried into the room. The click of the door seemed unnaturally loud. 

“Why are you here Garfield?” Rachel certain the her voice is flat and lifeless. Gar scented the air. She saw Tiger features for a moment. 

“I am here Rach because we need to talk. “ Gar practically glowed with resentment. Rachel could feel it coming off of him in waves. She picked up her tea cup. She took a sip. 

“What would you like to speak to me about?” Gar started to pace. His features were human, but the body language was that of his tiger. 

“Lets start with you teleporting out of my room before we could finish our conversation?”

“What is there to say, Garfield?” Gar’s chest was heaving. She could feel his anger. It whipped through her like hurricane. She took a sip of tea

“What is there to say?” Gar growled. “You come back after six months and act like you were swapped with a pod person. You ignore me or act like I am furniture to be used. Now, our friend is dead. We actually start talking . **Then** you poof out of the room.”

“I do not poof.” Rachel offered. Gar stared hard at her. A flash of gold in his emotions, amusement. Just like that the anger in Gar dissipated, the hurt bloomed in its stead. It was a beautiful pain that she wanted to gather close. Soothe it in her soul. Let his smile come back. ( _Talk to him_ )

“Talk to me Rachel. What happened on that island? What did you see that would make you come back to freeze us out? Freeze me out?” Gar sat down hard next to her. He put his hands on his face. Rachel tried to take a sip of the tea. His right hand whipped out to grab her arm. His face was a grim mask.

“Every fucking sip of that shit makes your scent fade. What is in it?”

Rachel blinked. She did not know what was in the tea. Gar’s teeth were his tiger teeth. He was ready to fight . It did not worry her. _(He wants to protect me_.) A sliver of satisfaction cut through the apathy. Her eyebrow arched. He let go of her arm. She sat down the cup.

“I do not know Garfield. Menalippe gave it to me the morning of my birthday. It was after she shared the vision.”

Gar’s teeth flashed. “You don't know! Don’t you think we should get it analyzed because you have been drinking it for months?”

“They would not drug me Garfield. “ Rachel had been told it was just an herbal preparation for concentration. It was just tea, was it not? Rachel could feel his fury surge at the dam of her emotions. 

“Really? They told you not to tell me or Dick too many details about what was happening on that island! While you are alone, isolated, and scared; they get you to agree to join some warrior nun group! They get you to drink this crap! You no longer sleep!! You no longer are allowed to feel!!! They have you freeze everyone out who loves you from before that trip!! It sounds like a cult or some shit! “

His anger tapped something in her. Fury heated her blood. “ I am doing it for you! “

“Why would you do it for me?”, Her soul self reared over her body. Gar did not blink. His mouth tightened. “I am not scared of you Rachel!”

“Maybe you should be! Menalippe received a vision on my birthday. It frightened her enough she had the Amazons break down my door while I was asleep . “

“They broke down the door! While you were asleep? What the hell! “ Gar’s entire face went green and his fangs were out. 

“I was dreaming of you ! They splintered the door and I thought they took you. It was the first time my soul self formed ! I tried to kill them when Menalippe hit me with the vision. It hit me hard enough I passed out.” Rachel jabbed her finger in Gar’s chest.

“What did she show you?” Gar whispered. Rachel’s eyes closed. She did not want to say. It was her worst nightmare.

“She showed me killing you after I failed some trial after my 18th birthday. “


	11. “Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey.” — Lord Byron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fell down a youtube hole of Rachel and Gar with a mvid with the song Just a dream. LOL. I am going back through and tightening up chapters if anyone re reads . :) Just more details, better phrasing. I tend to write due to insomnia.

Gar POV

“What did she show you?” Gar whispered. 

Rachel’s eyes closed. She struggled to get the words. “She showed me killing you after I failed some trial after my 18th birthday. “

The words hit Gar like a lightning bolt. No. Nope. Rachel wouldn’t do that. Gar sputtered. “That is bullshit!”

“I know what I saw!” Rachel had tears in her eyes. Her arms raised and then dropped helplessly. Gar grabbed her into a hug. He knew that vision was wrong. He held her to pour that knowledge into her. Her arms tentatively wrapped around him to return the hug. He saw felt/saw her soul self fold its wings over their bodies. He didn’t know about visions, magic, or demonic souls. He knew about Rachel.

“It is wrong Rach. I don’t know if there is some sort of accuracy check for visions. Or source check? I don’t know magic. I know you. You wouldn’t hurt me. “He rocked her in his arms. His nose in the crook of her neck breathing deep. Her light and life of rose veiled vanilla. Her depth and darkness embodied by tobacco, patchouli, oakmoss, frankincense, sandalwood, and myrrh. 

He just rocked her in his arms. He rubbed his hands up and down her back. 

“Do you trust me? “ Gar voice was muffled into her neck. 

“I trust you Gar. “ Rachel was shivering . “I don’t trust myself. I couldn’t stand it if I hurt you”

Gar pulled away to look her steady in the eyes. “You did hurt me Rach.“

“Gar. “ Rachel began. 

“Let me say this. . . .Please.“ Gar squeezed her shoulders. “ It started on your birthday. I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon so I could satellite call you to sing you happy birthday when you first woke up that day. You wouldn’t take my call. Menalippe said you were in training and couldn’t be disturbed. After that, I didn’t speak to you other than the occasional call. Proof of life calls as I called them. You and the priestess on the screen. Never alone and always stilted. That killed me Rach. “ 

Gar bit his lip and tucked some of Rachel’s hair back from her face. Rachel lowered her eyes, “They were tests to see if I could maintain the discipline. I had the calls because of Dick. Dick is my legal guardian. He was raising hell with Wonder Woman and Batman about lack of contact. ”

“Menalippe being on the calls was like watching terrorists with their hostage! Everything you said was scripted. “ Gar was vibrating with outrage. He took a deep breath. He started again. “We would have done anything to get you back. I was so happy when Dick said you were coming back. I couldn’t believe you were coming back. “

Rachel put her hand over his heart. Gar took a breath. “ I know you spoke with Menalippe and Dick for four hours the night before coming home. Dick said there would be changes. He said that we should let you work your way back into life in the Tower. There would be adjustments. I didn’t care. You were coming home. Whatever it was, we could work it out. It was not you who came home. It was Raven “

Rachel shook her head. Gar felt her take his face in her hands. She guided his eyes to meet hers. She spoke softly.

“I am Raven. I am Rachel. I wanted to save you. I became Raven to save you. I didn’t want to ignore you or hurt you, Gar. ” Rachel took a shuddering breath. “ I had passed enough of my trials that Menalippe would agree that I could leave. Dick was reaching out to the U.N. about custodial interference. He was using all of Wayne Enterprises influence to speak with those who did business with the Amazons. Dick reached out to the Atlanteans. The Atlanteans were willing to send emissaries to the Island because of Dick’s relationship to Aqualad. Queen Hippolyta was not happy with all the problems my remaining there was causing. Menalippe came up with the plan of me teleporting back for check ins and training. The day before my return I spent four hours talking to Dick explaining how things had to change. He argued against it. He knew that I would not believe him if he just agreed. “

Gar rubbed her shoulders. “I know I don’t agree. I think we need to look at everything. Menalippe could be right. She could have been vision hacked. She could have an agenda. I don’t know. I know I can’t decide for you. I can ask that we take another look together. Will you tell me everything? No detail left out. Agreed?”

Rachel had so many feelings flit across her face: fear, hope, uncertainty, and then resolve. She swallowed and nodded her head.

“We will look at everything again. I will tell you everything that happened. I might have missed something. I do not know.”

Gar grabbed her up and spun her around. He dropped her back on unsteady feet. She laughed. He laughed. His smile fell for a moment. He held her hands.

“I didn’t know what to do after I got a whiff of your scent after the bombing. I thought I was in shock or something from being shot. “ 

Rachel flinched at the mention of his being shot. He could feel her shiver. “I didn’t know that. I thought I was keeping the distance emotionally.”

“I thought nothing had changed or I was just wishing you to be different, but I smelled you when I came to your door. You sounded like you did when we would fall asleep watching a movie. I thought I was cracking up because I missed you so bad. I kept noticing you during breakfast. I could not believe no one noticed but me. Well Dawn noticed you. The you that cared so much. The you that disappeared into the idea of Raven. You went to meditate. I was trying to act like nothing happened. Then you came to my room.” 

Rachel put her hand to Gar’s chest. Right above his heart, this time it was like she was reassuring herself it still beat. A slight frown came to her lips. He watched her brows draw close.

“I couldn’t hold it. The guilt, the grief, the pain, and the fear were pulling me under. I couldn’t bleed them out to numbness like I was supposed to do” Rachel looked him in the eyes. Fear and hope clouded her scent. “I think I felt Jason die. I feel pain as an empath, but those I love . . . distance does not matter. I felt this searing pain and then it just stopped. “

“You felt Jason die.” Gar repeated the phrase. His brain trying to understand it. He heard her say that distance didn’t matter. If she loved Jason, she felt his pain a world away? She fought with him like a brother. She hadn’t seen him in months and was able to feel him. How the hell could she do that? What did that mean? 

“I didn’t know what the pain meant. It started and stopped while I was teleporting. It was in the moment I was between places. I should have . . . . ”

“You should have what? You teleport between distances in a millisecond. You are there then you are not. I know. It is part of what pissed me off so bad this morning. You were getting a bomb away from hostages. You did not know what it meant. You knew you felt searing pain and it stopped.“ Gar was not having this. If she felt it happen when she was in that moment of teleportaion, no one could respond in that time. Her guilt was bullshit. Dick Grayson level of martyrdom stupidity. 


	12. Break the Dam!  Release the River!  ~Treebeard.  LOTR :  The Two Towers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interesting geek trivia: Leonard Nimoy who played Spock on Star Trek(Original Series) had moments of extreme emotional responses when he was not playing his character. He found that repressing his emotional expression for the character lead him to have wild mood swings when he allowed himself to express emotion. Rachel does feel deeply. Gar is all heart.

“You felt Jason die.” Gar repeated the phrase. She could feel the confusion pouring out of him. There were tinges of shock. He was going to say it was her fault. She killed Jason. She stammered out an explanation.

“I didn’t know what the pain meant. It started and stopped while I was teleporting. It was in the moment I was between places. I should have . . ..”

Rachel felt Gar go breathless with outrage. “You should have what? You teleport between distances in a millisecond! You are there then you are not. I know! It is part of what pissed me off so bad this morning. “

She was mute. Her mind trying to figure out if that meant he blamed her or not. He was outraged. She could feel that. She could not pinpoint why. 

“You are angry. Why?”

“I am angry that you somehow think you can be two places at once. In your mind, you can do it all. You should have teleported to wherever that you felt the pain, healed who or whatever was there, and back to where we were on the mission in less time it takes to blink. “

“I should . . .” Gar’s nostrils flair. 

“You are not God Rachel! Or a God! You can’t do it all!” Gar laughed darkly.” Dick is the only Titan who gets to put impossible demands on themselves.”

“No fair gunning for his spot?” Rachel teased gently. Gar scoffed at that with a chuff of air. She could see Gar’s calming down. He ran a hand through his hair. It was longer than before she left for Themyscira. It would touch a shirt collar if he was wearing a button up. 

“I like your hair. “Rachel offered him a smile. “It looks nice longer.”

Gar put his hand on the back of his neck and gave her a side glance. “Your hair looks great, too You going to just let it grow?”

It reminded her of their first conversation at the roller rink. Playing pinball. They kept talking over each other. Each wanting to talk to the other, but not knowing how. The awkward pauses. She did not know if she wanted to keep talking about the island, Jason, the future, or what. They both had revealed a lot and resolved . . . something? Nothing? They were talking. Gar stretched his left shoulder and made a slight grimace. The muscles were probably tight. She wanted to help.

“Want to have a seat and I massage your shoulder?”

Gar fake smiled and shifted his weight to her suggestion. He was self conscious. He licked his lips.

“ I overdid it with the weights. I was angry after you left. I took a shower. It didn’t help. I lifted weights. That didn’t help. “

Rachel arched a brow and gave him narrowed eyes. “You went for run too?” 

“Yes.” Gar said in a very small voice. Rachel scoffed. She channeled her inner Kori and pointed to the cushions. Gar put his hands up in surrender. He was chuckling. He sat down.

“Shirt on or off?” Gar held out a corner of his shirt. He was waiting for response. She could massage his shoulder and the surrounding tissue just fine in the shirt. ( _Off! Off, damnit!)_

“Off if you are ok with it?” She would let him decide. Rachel felt like a she was in free fall. It was as if she had built up all this momentum since her birthday, she was rocketing towards the end like a roller coaster. She had buried so much of herself and her relationship with Gar behind a wall. No, it was like a dam that was giving way.

Gar looked thoughtful. He grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head. His eyes met hers for a moment then flicked away. Rachel took in a breath. 

Seeing him do that brought back the memory of before Menalippe burst into the room, she was in Gar’s arms . She was kissing Gar till they were both breathless. She was just about to start kissing his chest when the Amazons broke in. Gar threw his shirt in a corner. That broke her out of the memory. She let go of the breath. 

Rachel moved over behind him. She rubbed her hands together to warm them up. She concentrated on her breathing. She touched Gar’s shoulder with feather touch to let him know she was to begin. Gar sucked in a breath. His left shoulder felt almost feverish in her mind. She could see the soreness. She pressed a palm flat against him and rubbed out. Gar relaxed into her hands. 

She concentrated solely on the feel of his skin and the muscles underneath. She rubbed and kneaded his shoulders to back. She was gentle or strong in her pressure from his shoulders to his arms. She listened to his sounds of pleasure and pain. She kept track of how the tension started to melt from him. She felt heady. Warmth started to flow over her and through her. ( _Touch him more. Too long without touching him)_

“Lay on your back. I need to rub your chest to relax those muscles so they aren’t tight . They will pull on the others that have relaxed.”

Gar made a mmm in agreement. His eyes were still closed. ( _Kiss him_ ) He trusted her. Rachel treasured that trust. Rachel would not break it. He was in a relationship. She had made her choice. She wouldn’t put him in that position. Her body and her darker half disagreed. 

She positioned herself sitting on his left side. She started with a ghosting hand over his pect towards his nipple. He was all lean and lithe. He would never be broad like Hank or even Dick. He would always be defined but graceful. He was her tiger. Her Gar. Her eyes followed her hand’s path. Gar had a hairless chest. His skin was sunshine to her moon. 

There was a mere hint of green just at the lowest part of his belly button. His pants rested just at the point where Rachel could almost see beyond his flat stomach. Rachel swallowed. She had to get a hold of herself.

She looked up at Gar’s face. Gar was looking at her with dull eyes. His eyes were dialated. She started to rub his left peck when he took her hand in his. He lifted her hand up to his face. She cupped his cheek. He inhaled deeply. 

“ I can smell you Rachel. I remember this smell. I thought it a dream.” His voice was a husky. Rachel lowered her head. Her stomach twisted. She held out her free hand. Gar’s ACDC tshirt flew to her from it’s hiding space in her closet. 

“It wasn’t a dream Gar.”


	13. Just a Dream by Nelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gar had been certain it was just a dream

Gar felt stoned. Rachel asked if he wanted his shirt off so she could give him a massage. She could have just healed his sore muscles. Maybe she didn’t want to use her power? He shouldn’t, but he wanted her to touch him. When he took his shirt off, there was a hint of change to Rachel’s scent. She started massaging his back. It felt so familiar to have her hands running over his skin. 

His dream made real. He let himself relax under her hands. Gar couldn’t help the noises that escaped. Sometimes, her pressure hurt. Other times it felt so good. 

He wanted to arch under her hands. He wanted to feel her hands running though his hair. He held back a shiver. He was with Terra. Rachel was just his friend. He repeated those in his head. 

She asked him to turn on his back. He understood the meaning, but wasn’t really hearing the words. Something about relaxing the muscles on his chest so they didn’t pull. His animal senses were in over drive. Gar could taste musk on the air when he turned over. He had to muffle the sound trying to escape his throat.

Under half lidded eyes, he watched her eyes and hands running feather light over his chest. Her hand and her eyes strayed down his stomach and back to his face again. His eyes wouldn’t focus clearly. She went to start on his left side when he caught her hand. 

He lifted her hand up to his face. She cupped his cheek. He inhaled deeply. He knew that scent. It was the one he fantasized: warm, loving, and lusting Rachel. It was more intoxicating than booze. 

He knew that scent. 

“ I can smell you Rachel. I remember this smell. I thought it a dream.” His voice was a husky. Rachel lowered her head. She held out her free hand. Gar’s ACDC tshirt flew to her from it’s hiding space in her closet. 

“It wasn’t a dream Gar.” Those words rocked him. It was confirmation. He convinced himself that it had been a fantasy. Rachel looked ready to bolt. Gar held her hand to his face. He pressed a kiss to her palm.

He concentrated on the details as he remembered them. It was real? He had fallen asleep in his room. Then, he was with Rachel . They were god knows where. It was hot. 

Whatever they were laying on was hard, but there was Rachel. Soft, warm and sleepy Rachel was next to him. He had missed her so much. Gar decided to go with the dream.

He told her that he loved her. She told him that she loved him. He was able to taste her mouth. He thought he ruined it and she told him never. He had been super sappy by putting her hand on his heart. It was awkward. It was perfect. It was them.

They were kissing. Her hands were on his bare skin. He felt her knees pressed together. Movement that released small bursts of scent. A musk that he fantasized about in the darkness of his room; it was pooling between her legs. 

She was asking to kiss his neck while running her hands down his chest. His heart was about to pound out of his chest. A crash and he was on his bed at the Tower. 

Gar was at the Tower. He was sweaty, hard, and completely alone. He didn’t understand. Gar looked at the clock and panicked. He ran to the shower to deal with the hard on before joining the rest of the Titans for training. 

He let the water run over his skin like he thinking of Rachel’s hands. The idea of Rachel running her hands over him had killed a box of Kleenex while she was gone. Nights imagining her hands running over his body. Imagining her hand stroking his hardness. Imagining her beneath his mouth, hands, and body. 

His fantasy of watching her come apart while he held her. His strokes were rough. He came one arm braced against the wall. Rachel’s name whispered as his vision went white. Gar had run to train with the rest of the Titans. 

It hadn’t been a dream. It had been real. Gar was trying to make sense of it. Memories and new information were moving parts. It was then that the Amazon’s broke in? Gar kept hold of Rachel’s hand as his mind ordered the dream(vision? Or whatever?) in his mind with what she had told him. He felt like crying. It was real. He had said those words. She had said them back. It was then that Menalippe had come crashing in to interrupt. 

“You said that you were dreaming of me when the Amazon’s busted in. You said that you were ready to kill them ?”

“Yes. I was frantic. It was the first time my soul self fully formed. I had Amazons in my talons when she shared her vision with me. “Rachel put her forehead to Gar’s “It was awful. I broke. . . I would have given her anything to not have that future happen”

He was crying. Rachel was wiping the tears away. It had been real. It was real.

“Oh God, Rachel . . . I fucked up.” 

Rachel cupped Gars face. She made him look at her. “How? How did you fuck up ? “

"I should have known it wasn't a dream. I tried talking to you but Menalippe either blocked you from talking or was present for all of conversations after that. I should have pushed. I should . . ."


	14. Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel has to decide how she is going to go forward - now that Gar knows it was not a dream. This one was difficult to write. I got stuck. There is still more angst for characters. Italic is Rachel's inner thoughts.

Rachel cupped Gars face. She made him look at her. “How? How could you have known “

“I should have. . .” Gar began before she placed her hand on his lips. 

“You could not have known that I could move you across the world because I missed you. I did not know. I still do not know how I did. . . . You could not know. “ Rachel could feel all his emotions swirling. Grief, shame, guilt, hope, awe, and love were all battling within him. Rachel put her hands in her lap. ( _Kiss him_.) Rachel rested her forehead against his. 

“You don’t blame me?” Gar whispered. 

“ I don’t blame you.” She could feel his breath on her cheeks. She pulled her head away and looked into his eyes where tears shone. She wanted to kiss them away. ( _Kiss Him._ ) She clamped down on her powers. She did not want to influence or feel his emotions. It would tempt her too greatly.

With a shaky sigh, She asked “Do you blame me?”

Gar dried his tears with the back of his hands. “No.”

“That is a start. “ Rachel closed her eyes. She was in control. “ We need a plan. A place to start. I will have Dick analyze the tea both dry and prepared. Then?”

Gar heard her words and he shuddered. His head nodding in agreement. He was visibly trying to reason it out. “Not a then, but a while? I will see who else can do a check on the vision that Menalippe showed you. Magic exists, and there are other experts. We just need someone else to do a check. “

Rachel nodded yes as well. “Ok, that will take a few days with . . .Jason’s funeral. “

“Yeah. How do we check on that? You caused meteors, but what else?” Gar’s forehead puckered. 

“I don’t know. Do we ask Dick or Batman if Jason is really dead? Do we check the body when we get there?” Rachel drew her bottom lip between her teeth. 

“I can not see a situation where that question goes over well. “ Gar scrunched up his face.” I can smell the body?”

Rachel grimaced. “I am sorry. He is our friend, I know that is asking a lot of you.“

Gar’s shoulders tightened. “ We have to know. That is not the hardest thing. Rach, What about what you are not asking me?”

Rachel’s expression was one of confusion. 

“Terra. “ His eyes met hers. “Why are you not asking me about Terra?”

“ I do not have the right to ask.” Rachel’s face closed up. 

“It is not about rights Rach.” Gar leaned forward and took her hands in his. “It is what we need to talk about.”

( _Mine. He is Mine._ ) Rachel pulled her hands back. Gar’s expression was one of hurt at her words “No, we don’t. “

“Rach . . .”

“Gar.”

“Rachel, we need to talk. We got here because we didn’t talk.”

“I know. I know that Gar.” Rachel rose to her feet. “We cannot talk about it till we each have time to think about what we each learned and shared. We cannot ignore what happened. It doesn’t suddenly erase that you and Terra are dating. I am not going to manipulate you or force you into a decision. ” ( _Now!Claim him now! Make her go!_ )

“It doesn’t erase her. It does change things Rachel. I never would . . . I never would have even went on a date with her had I known.” Gar was breathing hard. Rachel reached out to touch his face and pulled her hand back. She stepped back and raised her arm directing Gar to the door. The blackness left the door frame and the door unlocked. 

“I know. I knew that you were not a dream. I went along with Menalippe out of fear. You have to decide what you feel about that. You did go out with her. You are a couple. That did happen. You have to sort out what you feel. You deserve that. She deserves that. I want you to go now, Gar. “

Gar stood up and he touched his forehead to Rachel’s. “We will talk about this.”

“I know ." Rachel wanted to pull him into a kiss and damn the consequences. She wanted to hold Gar's love and tend it like a flame against her own darkness. She could not do that no matter how much she wanted. He was her light and she wanted to protect him. She especially wanted to protect him against any part of her that was Trigon.( _Do not let him leave!_ ) He deserved no less. "Goodnight Gar.” 

He stopped in the doorway and looked back. “Goodnight Rachel _.”_


	15. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” The White Queen, Alice Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Gar POV. Inner thoughts are italic because I think Gar needs some perspective.

The bleep bleep sound of his alarm drove a nail through Gar’s head. His right hand slapped the snooze button. Gar pulled his covers higher on his body. 

He had made it back to his room last night without seeing anyone. Gar was grateful for that. He had been completely overwhelmed. He shut his door and locked it. Gar had been in no mood to deal with anyone until morning. 

_No way I could deal with Terra._

He lay on the cool sheets. It was almost as if he was the one who had been suppressing his emotions instead of her. He had cried in the night. He had raged. He had curled into himself. He had come to peace finally.

Rachel had asked him to leave. It hurt as though his heart would break through his body. His head and his heart kept moving from thought to thought and feeling to feeling. She had decided to hide the truth of what happened on her birthday. Anger racked his body. He had not investigated or pushed when she pulled away. Cold shame rolled over him.

He learned that she loved him. The knowledge was light in his heart the way the meteors had streaked through the night. Terrifying and beautiful, it lit up his inner sky. Garfield Logan felt wonder and awe that she loved him.

Rachel loved him. His mind turned that over. Rachel wanted him. After all the times, he fought against labeling her as someone he wanted and loved. He grabbed a pillow and curled around it. He wished it was Rachel he was wrapped around. The thought brought shame and joy. Terra was still someone he had to deal with. His mind skittered from that fact. Where did this start? When did he start to deny how he felt about Rachel? 

The train ride with Kori. His discomfort had made him shoot the bourbon. He could not admit it. Kori laughed. She tried to tell him it was natural. 

He could not hear that then. Gar wished he could talk to Kori now. Kori was unflinchingly honest. She would have encouraged Gar to ask questions. Hell, she wuld have demanded the Amazons release Rachel. Kori would have stood before their Queen as an equal and demanded Rachels return. 

That is not what happened. Gar sighed. Dick did not want to call her in. She was still dealing with her loss of powers. She was working with Starr labs to find out what happened. The nearest they can tell; it is some kind of psychological block. 

Gar did not understand how that worked. He did know he had needed therapy. He'll. They had all needed therapy after what happened at Angela’s farm. Bruce had insisted on it. 

_I should have taken Rachel and ran the minute I saw the scientist I killed on the farm. I could have stopped Trigon from breaking Rachel’s heart. I woudnt have been poisoned. I would not have been beaten._

His beating by the Titans. Gar shivered as if plunged in ice. He should have died. He did die? He heard Trigon call Rachel his girl. His beast nature roared. 

Gar had felt electricity through his shattered body. His skin slipped. His broken bones reshaped. He slid across the floor and up to Rachel: asking her to come back him. Gar told her to keep fighting. She was still her.

He was covered in his own blood and pouring his feelings into Rachel. Her gifts making the connection as he threw everything against the darkness that held her. He threw all his feelings and faith in Rachel into that touch. Rachel came back to him with a gasp.

He should have told her then, but they were too new. She had been through too much. He held it in throughout the road trip with Dick. Rachel's powers started to change. 

They started living in the tower. They started training. Jason was kidnapped. Conner was found. Cadmus found Conner and Gar after Conner injured some San Francisco police to help a man being arrested. 

Conner and Gar had fled back to Titans tower. Cadmus attacked. Shudders wracked Gar’s body remembering the straight jacket they had put him in. If he tried to transform, he would kill himself. 

Cadmus had used Rachel against him. They made him see Rachel has prey. It was then they knew they had succeeded. He was lost inside the tiger. Images of the coffeeshop and the fair pummeled him. 

Cadmus wanted a higher price for Conner so they had him attack Gar. He felt ribs break from the force of Conner’s throw. Rachel found him dazed and panting in pain on the sidelines. 

The tiger was injured. It was ready to lash out. Rachel told Gar she knew who he was even if he didn’t. The tiger heard the word, but only felt the meaning. Rachel grabbed his paw and showed him to himself. Her power racing along his brain and damaging the implant. Rachel’s power winding along his nerves to heal his ribs. Gar was able to transform back. Rachel handed him her wrap to cover himself. 

His face burned with all the times she had seen him naked. He should have told her then, but he had just killed people on Cadmus command. He had blood in his mouth. He could not admit it then as he did not trust himself. He wasn't worthy. 

Gar would have been arrested. He should have been. He would be in Arkham Asylum or a supermax prison for metahumans if it were not for the records Mercy kept. 

He still had to face a trial, but her love for documentation and showmanship made her record everything. She had together a sales reel for the bidders at the auction. It included his surgery and the conditioning. Rage at Mercy and Cadmus flared. Electricity raced along his arms. He felt claws start to form. That would not do. 

Focus was what the shrink said when he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Focus on one grounding element. He focused on the cool. feeling of the sheets. Gar closed his eyes and pulled the claws back inside. His mind drifting to his next missed opportunity.

Rachel had accompanied Donna’s body to Themyscara. He did not get to say goodbye or tell her then he felt. Rachel had Dick tell them. _Maybe she was afraid?_

Gar's days were filled with therapy , training, and meeting with attorneys. Bruce hired the best for defense of them all. Gar was numb at first. It was almost as if he was the one conditioned to suppress his emotions instead of her. The therapist helped.. Dr. Quinn helped him. She taught him to accept that he had a right to emotional response ro his violation. His feelings lings came back .

Gar began to miss Rachel. He wanted to update her on his case. Update her about therapy. He wanted to just talk about nothing as long it was with her. Days trudged on till her birthday was peaking over the horizon. He planned to take a nap to be able to wish Rachel happy birthday due to the time difference between the island and San Francisco.

Gar missed her. He missed her humor. Gar missed her smile. The way she felt when she felt sleeping next to him. He had missed her so much. What he didn't know was, Rachel missed him too. Gar lay down for a nap and dreamed . 

Or so he thought, Rachel brought him to her on the island- impossible. In that moment, he told her she had his heart. It was impossible, but it was true. It was then the damn Amazons had burst through the door. She instantly had moved him to safety in the Tower. It had to be instinctual. She had done so without a conscious thought. 

It was like how she had brought him to her. Rachel had missed him enough that she transported him across a world to her side. It was impossible, but it was true. The memory of Rachel’s scent filled his senses. His morning erection began to hurt. It was shifting to arousal. Gar adjusted his cock in his boxers. 

His memory conjure Rachel’s scent: warm skin with roses and vanilla with tobacco, patchouli, oakmoss, and sandalwood. Gar remembered he had wrapped himself around her. He had pressed his nose into the space between her shoulder and neck. He loved that spot. He could hear and feel her pulse. His cock twitched.

He had to think of something else. What happened next? He had wiped her tears away that day. He had looked into her eyes and saw his own feelings reflected. She had wanted him to kiss her. She had wanted to kiss him. 

The hint of musk that had clued Gar into what she was feeling. Rachel loved him. She had wanted him. 

The part of him that was as much a beast as a boy had been thrilled . It had growled its satisfaction at her tugging his hair. It had wanted to bite her shoulder. He had wanted to mark her. Claim Rach as his own . Rachel’s hands had roamed his bare skin as they kissed. A cool counterpoint to the heat that had poured through him. His beast and boy natures were enraptured. All that could have been said after was lost. Interrupted by the Amazon’s vision.

_That vision is bullshit!_

The fucking vision the priestess filled Rachel’s head with. It made Rachel run from herself. It made her run from him.

_Was that a true vision?_

Gar did not believe it. He could not believe it. No way.

 _How the hell do you fact check a vision? Can someone fake a vision? Did Menalippe fake a vision to get Rachel agreement to training? Or did someone send her a false vision that caused Menalippe to insist on training Rachel?_ _Who could they ask to check on the validity of the vision? Who could they trust to keep it quiet?_

The tiger paced inside. He was alert and wary of danger to Rachel. Who could he ask? 

A name came to him: Zatanna. Zatanna was a magic user. Gar had met her once. Zatanna had helped the original Titans on cases that involved magic. She was a member of the Justice League now. She would likely be at Jason’s funeral. Maybe she would keep it secret? 

Gar could phrase it as a general question and see where the trail lead. Gar did not want to risk the Amazons coming after Rachel. Gar groaned. The Amazons were not the only possible threat to Rachel. Terra. How could he forget about Terra? 

Gar groaned. 

_I am a creep. Terra and I are dating? I learn that Rachel feels the same and I am ready to dump Terra right then. I am an asshole._

Gar beat his head against the mattress three times. Terra and how he felt about her was why Rachel had asked him to leave. Her face had been drawn into the Raven mask as she had asked him to leave. He could practically feel her heart pounding. Her scent belied the mask. 

Rachel loved him. She wanted him. She would protect him even if it killed her to do it. He was both resentful and grateful. This was his to deal with and she did not want to influence him.

_She did it so I could figure out what I feel. I know what I feel. I just like what I am going to have to do. I do not want to hurt Terra. I care for her. I enjoy her company, and we were growing into something- maybe? I love Rachel. Maybe this is why I could never say I love you to Terra. She never pushed for more emotion. I never offered. I am such an asshole._

_If I break up with Terra, what happens? No, when I break up with Terra. Will that tip anyone off? The Amazons are just watching Rachel-right?_

_Nothing could happen between me and Rachel for a while. We have to figure out if it is safe for Rachel . In the meantime, It would be better if I don't string Terra a long while we figure that out. I am still an asshole, but not as much as I would be if I kept dating her._

Gar sat up in his bed. Rachel had stopped him from pushing forward. It was a good thing. He knew he loved her. He had to believe it would work out. He knew she could not save Jason in that moment she was teleporting. Gar hoped that she brought him back when she caused the meteors. 

Or at least didn’t let anything loose. He could not find the answers in his bed. Gar threw the covers off. He swung his legs over the side of the bed. His face to his hands to center himself. He took a deep breath, straightened, and stood up. 

He leaned over and made up his bed sloppily. He had things to do. There were mysteries to solve and hiding in his room would not solve any of them. 

_Time to make the doughnuts._


	16. “When my father didn’t have my hand, he had my back.” Linda Poindexter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel POV. I see Dick as very paternal towards Rachel. He has been where she was in season 1. He resisted being Bruce, but he does have some of the same instincts as Bruce. Bruce collects lost and hurt children. Yes he makes them into warriors. It is what he did so he shows them to cope as he did.

Rachel was making coffee at 5:00 a.m. She had tried to meditate. She had failed. She had tried sleeping. She failed. She struggled against her urge to go to Gar. She had succeeded at that – so far. ( _Go to him_ ). She barely kept from slamming her cup on the counter as she poured sugar until it was sweet enough for her. ( _Take him a cup_ ) She could just teleport into Gar’s room. Rachel shifted from one foot to the other. (It _would be so easy_ )

Rachel felt with her power for Gar. His light called to her from across the Tower. Gar’s emotions were a like a strawberry quartz geode: pink ringed with white then grey. He was asleep but his emotions that were his last crystallized. Love, shock, and sadness. Rachel wanted to touch those feelings and bring him peace. Her desire caused a line of tension between her shoulders. Gar had a right to his own feelings. She would not interfere. A black and red pulse called her attention. It was Dick. He was in his monitoring room. Rachel poured him a cup of coffee. She could talk to Dick and let him know that she wanted him to test the tea. ( _Ease his pain_.) She made up a two cream and a sugar coffee. It was so prosaic, but Rachel almost wished she had a donut to take him. Tease him about how his time as a cop had made his tastes very humdrum for a man who grew up as the only ward of Bruce Wayne. Rachel pivoted and walked quickly to Dick. She did not want to get a chance to change her mind. She knocked and walking in before Dick could say anything.

Dick’s back was to her. The lights of all the screens casting a shadow. He was watching a surveillance footage of Jason fighting some goons in clown makeup. The Joker’s henchmen. The signs were in another language so they were not in Gotham. Rachel’s eyes closed as she tried to hide from what horrible things the Joker would have done to Jason. She had never faced him, but she looked at new sites from Gotham. Her imagination conjured up all sorts of images. The surveillance footage stopped. 

“Dawn, I am not going to talk . . .” Dick’s voice was harsh. He turned and around and stopped speaking when he recognized it was Rachel. She held out the coffee she had made him.

“Coffee?” Rachel kept her voice and face still as a pond. Dick just blinked at her. His head tilted and he took the coffee from her hand. His fingers touched her skin as he took the cup. Black despair, red anger, grey exhaustion, and a yellow of caution came through that barest touch. Images assaulted her brain of Jason being beaten with fists, burned with a torch, and then a crowbar dripping blood. Rachel rocked back. ( _Jason!_ ) Tears burned her eyes. She blinked them away furiously. She tried to deflect Dick’s attention by put both hands on her own coffee trying to hold it near her face. 

“Raven?” Dick’s hand was frozen bringing his cup to his mouth. His soft brown eyes filled with tears. Recognition dawned on his face. “No, you are Rachel.”

Dick hurriedly dropped the coffee on console. Both his hands came up to bracket Rachel’s face. “Rachel?” 

Rachel looked down at her toes. She moved her arms to pull her coffee free. Dick’s hands released with no tension as Rachel set down her cup. He followed her movements. She looked up into Dick’s eyes. She spoke softly.

“Hi, Dick.”

Dick choked a laugh that more a sob. He gathered Rachel into his arms. Relief, joy, guilt, and a tinge of fear joined the swirling emotions churning inside Dick. Rachel pressed her cheek into Dick’s chest and wrapped her arms around him tightly. Dick rocked her back and forth in his arms while tears were falling from his eyes. Rachel’s eyes closed. Her soul self-surrounded them in a posture of alert. Rachel absorbed the exhaustion and physical pains of Dick. She could feel that he had not slept or eaten really since learning of Jason’s death. As she healed his physical body, she rubbed his back with her right hand. The soul talons flexed. ( _Soothe his heart. Bring him a moment of peace.)_

Rachel’s jaw tightened. She would not alter Dick’s emotions. She let go of Dick and pulled her soul self fully back into her body. “Dick, I need to talk to you about some things”

Dick nodded and ran a hand over his face. He smeared his tears to his face. He sat back on the console with both hands resting there. The corners of his mouth turned up “1st would be about your stoicism, or lack thereof?”

Rachel swallowed. “I could not hold it the night of Jason’s death. I tried to bleed out the feelings. I could not keep from feeling here so I teleported to Dodge Ridge to try and let them all go there. “.

Rachel took a deep breath. She did not know how to say this. Rachel opened her mouth, and nothing came out. She snapped her mouth shut and looked at Dick with stricken eyes. Dick looked at her. He gave her a half smile. ( _Tell him!)_

“You do not have to go through this alone Rachel. I am here. We are stronger together. Whatever it is, tell me.” Dick reached out his right hand to her left shoulder. Rachel did not know how to say it all. An idea formed. Rachel placed her right hand on his. 

“I want to show you. May I?” Her eyes searched his face for any sign of hesitation or doubt. Dick’s jaw was set. 

“Show me.”

“I am going to show you everything. Some of its . . . private. “Rachel gathered her thoughts and showed him. She did not start with the mountain. She wanted to start the night Jason died. But she needed his understanding of everything, it made her want to hide. She started just before the Amazon’s burst through the door weapons drawn. The moment she and Gar were in each other’s arms, and then the door splintered. Gar disappeared. The first fully formed soul self; the shrieking bird shadow that was ready to rend the Amazons to shreds. Menalippe chanting and forcing the vision of her older self killing Gar into Rachel’s mind. Her two sets of glowing red eyes with Trigon’s mocking laughter as the soundtrack. The blinding light that smashed into her. the screaming, vomiting, and loss of consciousness that followed the light. She showed him her waking bound in lassos and sobbing out agreement to Menalippe training. Rachel felt Dick start to fight what she was showing. His rejection of the validity of the vision. His rejection of Menalippe’s treatment of her. 

“Don’t fight it. I need to show you more.” Rachel and her darker half whispered in the vision. Dick stopped resisting. Rachel sped up to the moment she felt the searing pain in that moment between places. Her knowledge that it meant death. She showed her attempt at meditation after Jason’s death was announced. Her soul self’s investigation ( _Spied on him_ ) of Gar and Terra. Her flight from the Tower to Dodge Mountain. Her spreading the meditation rug on the snow. Her bleeding emotions into the night and the meteors that answered her pain. The distant heart beat she heard. Dick rocked back on to the console. Rachel let go of his hand to keep him from falling onto the console. Dick’s face was pale, and he appeared to be sweating. 

“Are you going to be sick?” Rachel asked softly. Dick shook his head. He swallowed heavily. 

“No. I am fine.”

“Are you afraid of me?" Rachel looked at her feet. Dick’s right hand lifted her chin. His grave eyes met Rachel’s. His voice was firm.

“No.”

Rachel picked at the hem of her tshirt.( _Gar’s shirt_.) She had another fear. “Are you disappointed?”

“No.” Dick gathered her in his arms. Rachel started to cry without making a sound. Dick made soothing noises and rubbed her back.

“We got this Rachel.” Dick nodded his head."I got you."


	17. Still Worth Fighting For – My Darkest Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gar POV and a little smutty? Italic is an inner monologue. A little edit

Still Worth Fighting For – My Darkest Days

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0 he shape of the cavity that is between a girl's collarbone and the top of her shoulder is beautiful. It's so subtle, and you can't do' anything to a collarbone, but the way a collarbone's curves contrast with a straight strap is so divine it makes me ache. dfIo7JFcmA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dfIo7JFcmA)

“Batman is a suspicious bastard,” Gar muttered. He was hunched over his screen. It was near dinner time. Gar was looking through the archives for information about Zatanna. The Titans archive linked to Batman’s files and the Justice League files. Gar was flipping between all three views on the same incident on his laptop. The Justice league file was more than the public would know but less than a full member’s access. There were gaps. The Titans had a reserve status for Justice League missions. 

The tones were tripping Gar up. You wouldn’t think that field reports would have a tone. The Justice League files had a positive tone- almost bragging. The Titan’s file was more focused on missed opportunities for the improvement of the heroes. Batman’s files had a different slant. The world’s greatest detective had more threat analysis of everyone involved in the mission, including the heroes. Batman’s files seemed to point out where opportunities were missed by all sides and the possible implications of all involved. Gar had been researching for hours. He had not left his room except for food and to pee. He had grabbed a giant bowl of cereal when he woke up. The bowl and spoon were sitting on his desk. 

Gar leaned back a sighed. He ran his hand through his hair. Gar was getting nowhere fast. A smell of vanilla and incense tickled his nose. He looked up. Gar’s eyes searched his room. There was a black shimmer. Rachel walked through the shimmer into his room. 

“Rachel?” 

“Hi, Gar. “

“Did you not want to use the door?” His heart drummed in his ears. Gar hoped his tone was light. He was so afraid of fucking this up. He subtly scented the air. He smelled Rachel’s unique scent and hints of Dick. He loved her smell. He gave her a smile. Rachel smiled and shrugged. He was not subtle enough for her to miss what he was doing. 

His eyes widened. She was wearing something new She was dressed in what looked like a halter top with a fishnet wrap. It was not one of her BT (Before Themyscira) outfits. Hell, maybe it was. She wore so many layers of clothing for so long. He might not have known she had a halter top under the three or four layers she wore. Should he compliment her on it? 

Rachel caught his gaze and raised an eyebrow. She quirked a smile. Her fingers were picking the long sleeves of her wrap. “I thought there would be fewer questions if no one sees me come in your room. “+

Gar chuckled and nodded. He rubbed his hand through his hair trying to stop his stare. The angle of the alter had her alabaster skin on display. The shape of the cavity between Rachel’s collarbone and the top of her shoulder was beautiful. It was so subtle, and he couldn’t do anything. But the way her collarbone’s curve contrast with the halter, it made him ache. He coughed. He wanted to adjust, but there was no way to do it without Rachel noticing. 

“That makes sense. What do you want to talk to me about?”

“I wanted to give you an update and get one from you. “Rachel turned and gestured to his bed” Can I sit?” 

Gar’s eyes caught sight of something on her left shoulder. A dark shadow on the moonlight of her skin. Without thought, his hands went to her elbows to stop her from turning back around to face him. He moved her hair over to the right to where he could see. The movement brought more of her scent to his nose. He wanted to bury his nose in the spot between her neck and shoulder to just breathe. All it would take was one quick movement. He couldn’t. _I shouldn’t so I won’t. I am not that much of an asshole._

“Rachel, you have a tattoo?” Gar heard a hitch in her breath. A slight shudder, she moved her right arm from his grasp. She pulled the wrap off her shoulder. It put the mark clearly on display. The image of a raven was on her skin. Rachel looked over her shoulder into his eyes. “It is my birthmark. I have had it as long as I remember. “

Gar felt a twitch of his cock. He brushed his index finger over the design. “A Raven.”

Rachel blinked slowly. She looked away and tugged up her wrap. “A Raven. “

It took all his will power to take his hands off her. Rachel sat on Gar’s bed. A faint hint of musk hit the air. _Damn it!_ He sat down carefully. His pants were uncomfortably tight. 

Their knees almost touched. Almost, it was a good thing. _No touching! I am with Terra until I talk with her. Rachel and I are not anything until we figure this out. We must figure this out_. Gar repeated the words in his head like a chant. Rachel put both of her hands on lap. She was wearing black jeans with holes in the knee. Gar wanted to rub circles on her bare skin.

“I talked to Dick. He has been speaking with Alfred. Alfred is devastated. Dick doesn’t think he could fake being that torn up. “Rachel’s face was anxious. “He is running a test now on the tea. He wants to see if temperature or time changes the result of the tea. If it turns, the tea into some kind of sedative. He wants to run more tests in Gotham at the Bat Cave. What are you working on?”

Rachel turned more to him a little as she spoke. Gar grimaced a smile that he hoped was reassuring.

“I have been reviewing files on Zatanna. Titans, Justice League, and Batman versions of the same mission. I am trying to get a better understanding of her and her expertise.” Gar nodded his head and tried not to groan.” That is good about Dick running the test here and at the Batcave. We leave tomorrow, right?”

Rachel’s jewel flashed. Her eyes widened and a smile came on her lips. She was blushing. “We do. Dick will likely talk to you later about all the legal stuff. Um, I told him about what happened on the island. All of it.”

“Oh.” _Shit. Shit. Shit_. Dick knew how he felt about Rachel. Wait, the jewel flash. Rachel knew what he felt about her. _Fuck!_

“Rachel, did you get a sense of my emotions?” She nodded her head.

“I just felt them. I am sorry. “Her face was one of longing. “Should I go?”

Gar did groan. He wanted her to stay. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to trace her collar bone with his hands and mouth. He stood up. _Nope. I am not going to be that much of an asshole I want to be a hero. I want to be a good person. Being a good person sucked at the moment_. “I think it would be best. I still need to talk to Terra. We still need to figure out what is going on with the vision, the tea, and Jason.”

“Will we have **that** conversation after those are resolved?” Rachel licked her lips. Her tone was hopeful. Gar desperately wanted to kiss her. He knew the taste of her mouth. He wanted to have that again.

“ **Definitely** then, maybe before? I am trying to not screw this up. There is so much at stake.” Rachel stood up and backed up. He was grateful and resentful of the distance she put between them.

Rachel raised both her arms above her head. A shimmer appeared around her. “You can’t screw us up Gar.”

Her hands fell to her side and she was gone. Her scent flooded the room. His beasts roared inside his soul. _Us, she just said us._ Gar shuddered. Gar was surrounded by the scent of a warm and wanting Rachel. She had spoken of us. He was so hard he hurt. _No hope for it_.

He went to his nightstand, opened the drawer, and pulled lotion out. He stripped out of his jeans and boxers. His cock was weeping. He squirted some lotion into his left hand. It was cold against his palm. He grabbed his length and dragged his hand down slowly. His eyes closed. The lotion warmed as he stroked. His mind conjured images of Rachel. Her lips swollen from kisses. Her collar bones that he wanted to run his tongue over. His imagination of her undoing her halter to bare her breasts. The shell pink of her nipples pebbled in the air. His mouth bent to take one nipple then the next in his mouth. Her hands in his hair and on his shoulder holding him as he teased each peak. His teeth nipping slightly and then soothing the hurt with his tongue. His grip tightened as his strokes shortened. 

Gar’s mind conjured an image of unbuttoning Rachels's jeans. Slipping the zipper down, his eyes would never leave her face. She would cover his hands and pull off her jeans. His arms to steady her as she did. He would guide her to his bed. He imagined her being shy about her nudity. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. He wanted to ask to touch her. He wanted to ask to taste her. He wanted her to hear her say yes, please. His fantasy was pushing him to the edge. He was so close. He could feel his orgasm licking at this spine. He cupped his scrotum. His hips bucked. He snatched a handful of Kleenex. He imagined Rachel spreading her knees for him. His mouth lowering to her curls. He imagined opening his mouth to take his first taste. His mind went white and choked out her name.


	18. Some Bonds are unexplainable.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick chapter, Rachel POV. She is having an argument with herself. Most people do in some form or fashion. The difference between what they want and what they know is right. Her arguments are little more literal. Rachel's darker half is italic.

Rachel raised both her arms above her head. A shimmer appeared around her. “You can’t screw us up, Gar.”

  
Her hands fell to her side, and she was in her room. Rachel clapped her hands around her stomach. She wanted Gar so much it was a literal ache. It felt like her worst period cramps. Rachel felt flickers of Gar’s emotions from across the tower. She did not want to confirm what was going on by returning or turning her senses to him. A spasm rocked her. She wanted him now. She felt her insides tighten.

_He wanted me. I could feel it. He loves me._

“I shouldn’t have pushed it. “ Rachel muttered. She focused on her breathing. She had to bleed this out. It was starting to work. She straightened up.

_If I didn’t want to push it, I would have worn all the layers. He scented the air as soon as I arrived._

“I know how he feels. I did not need to make it more difficult for him. It is his choice. “

_His choice is me._

“I have to let this play out. I am going to speak with Zatanna in Gotham.

_I could go to her now. She could answer if the vision were real. I would be able to tell Gar that it was wrong._

“I can not teleport to some woman I do not know to ask how her find out if the Amazon high priestess bungled a vision. I have to wait.”

_I don’t want to wait._

“It is not always about what I want. It is about what Gar needs to be safe.

_Gar feels safe around me. He believes in me._

Images formed behind Rachel’s eyes. Gar running his tongue over her collarbones. Her own hands lowering her halter top. Gar taking her right nipple into his mouth. The swirl of his tongue and the release with a nip. A cool breath and then his tongue soothing each peak. Rachel tried to blank her mind. She tried to bleed off the emotions. It should have worked. The echoes remained. She heard an echo of Gar.

“ Can I touch you, Rach? Can I taste you?” There was such anticipation in Gar’s spectral voice. She tried to force it all to the grey, nothing she was supposed to feel. It was not working.

Rachel shuddered. Her walls clenched, and her breath caught. She heard her name being whispered with reverence and longing. It was Gar. She had felt him. The emotions and images were his. Tears formed, and she tried to blink them away.

She gathered up a change of clothes. She was sticky and wanted to soak in the tub. An alert started to chime on her computer—incoming message from Themyscira. Rachel threw on a baggy shirt. ShHe took a deep breath and let it out. It was in the middle of the night on the island. Her mask in place. She answered the video call. Menalippe appeared on her screen.

"Greetings, Sister." Rachel was still as a pond. Menalippe looked haggard. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her complexion was waxy.

"Greetings, Sister. I had a vision." Menalippe seemed to lose herself there.

ha

" What was the vision?" Rachel kept her voice mirror-smooth. She kept herself silent for nine minutes. She kept silent despite the time dragging into eternity. She waited for Menalippe to speak. It was hellish. She had to keep up the pretense. No looking at the time on the clock. No break from Menalippe's eyes on the screen.

Menalippe broke out of her stupor. " In the vision, you were destroying the world. It started with your murder of Garfield Logan. It was very detailed. You were killing him in a great house. It was draped in black. There were images of a bat, birds, and a man with bleached blonde hair. He was smoking in a trench coat. You must not leave San Francisco for any reason."

"I understand. Thank you Sister for the information." 


	19. Funerals are for the living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guest POV . I chose John Constantine to give a little truth to the readers. Italics are his inner monologue.

_**Guilt** _ _is the province of the **living.** I have said that shit before. I am thinking about it now. I hate funerals. Funerals for children are the fucking worst. Yea, we all try to say that the new Robin was a hero. He was a fucking kid. All the fucking Titans or sidekicks are kids who got drafted into wars that they had no place. It is Bollocks! The little Robin trusted in his mentor. It is a reason I do my best to not take on anyone. Everyone who puts their trust in me dies._

_Judge me for my shit. I have been found guilty of first-degree cold-hearted bastardy. Of being a twisted, evil frigger who sneaks and creeps his way out of trouble that those less privileged have no defense against. I still hate seeing a child die._

“John, Do you want to speak to Bru . .Batman?” Zatana stuttered over the codename. _She had dark circles under her eyes. She looks like she is holding it together by a thread. She has known all the little bats._

“I will talk to uh Batman before we leave. “ I rub my finger against her cheek to soothe her. _She’s bloody brilliant, but I find the use of Batman here is daft. We all knew he was bloody billionaire Bruce Wayne. The “Heroes” knew. Fuck if that nutter clown doesn’t know too. I don’t know if he is a billionaire, trillionaire, or something more, but who the fuck else could afford all the tech for the Bat. I drop my hand. I look at the liquor left out on the bar._

_I have no idea why I am here. The world’s greatest heroes are all gathered under this one roof. Why the fuck am I here? I am an occultist. I'm no hero. I'm no wonder and I never could be. Z is a hero. Z is a wonder. She is a purer conduit for the magic. I may be the avatar of the Fool, but she is Zatanna. She is half homo magi (a race of people originally from Atlantis, who evolved separately from homo sapiens and retain an intrinsic connection to magick) and the daughter of one of the world’s greatest magicians, and she began learning magic at a young age, both real magick and stage magic. The infernal leave town when she is performing and don’t return till they are certain she is gone. They offer me a smoke and a pint. Damnit!. . . I want a coffin nail._

_“2s me?”_ _holding up my cigs. She shook her head no. I went out to the veranda. Who the fuck has a house that has a veranda? I get the cigarette to my mouth. A quick flick of my lighter and I can breathe. Yea, it will kill me eventually. It helps clear my head. I see a shimmer at the far side of the garden. It is a girl who is codenamed, Raven. She is a bloody princess of a hell dimension, but still half-human. Nothing to get fired up about to me. I have seen too many demons. A man and a teenager come running. The man is the first little bird, Robin, he was known. Now, he is the Nightwing. Mystically, he is boring as white paint._

_What fascinates me is the teenager who comes running, he is codenamed Beast Boy. That title is a damp squib. He is nearing old enough to be called a man. A beast he is not. They tell him he is a miracle of science. Z and higher magick users recognize what he is. They don’t tell him for some minging reason. They don’t want him to know unless it is needed. I think it is fuckin needed. He is the Avatar of The Red which is connected to all animal life. The Red is run by the Parliament of Limbs. All the former avatars are totem spirits that dwell there and choose who to will represent them against the Rot. The Rot is a force associated with decay and death, which seeks to destroy all life. It is not evil, it is an elemental power-beyond good and evil. The Rot is opposed by The Red, which connects all the animal life on Earth together, and The Green, which does the same for plant life. The boy is a designated champion who does not know he is even on the field. He grabs the Raven girl into a fierce hug._

_Zatanna joins me. I point at a blonde teenager who is standing where the Beast Boy was_ _._ _“_ Think his girl is going to throw a wobbly?”

 _“_ She might. “ Zatanna quirks a smile. “ Her name is Tara and she doesn’t know that she has been replaced. Or more accurately, she was keeping a seat warm.”

_“What are you on about?”, I blow a smoke ring. Zatanna shrugs._

_“_ I am keeping an eye out. I read mission reports. Trigon tried to kill Beast Boy or succeeded. It was the final part of Raven’s transformation to break her heart. He transformed into a snake after being beaten to death. He put himself back together and then pulled her out of her father’s control. Luthor’s science division got a hold on him. They surgically altered him to obey and kill. They buried him under the animal. She reached in and pulled him out _.”_

 _“_ Hell’s Bells _.” I took a drag off my cigarette._

“Hell is against their connection and so are the angels. _”_ _Z looks pensive_ _._ _That is never good. Why the fuck would either side give a shit about two teenagers catching feels._

 _“_ Why? _”_

“He is tied to the elemental force of all animal life. She is prophesied to bring death or ultimate peace. Their connection does not fit in with either side’s plan.” Zatanna sighs. _That grates on my ever last nerve. I snap._

“Bugger the plan. I mean the Plan in all capital letters as well. I don’t care if there's some twat sitting somewhere with a pair of scales is there? Measuring good and evil in ounces? That's your problem Z. The whole bloody lot of you heroes just wander about like a pack of wankers, seeing everything in black and white. Why can’t they choose? Why does it have to be what someone else picked for them? It isn’t always an either-or situation”


	20. Son of the Bat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter in an entirely different way. I trashed it. Ra's al Ghul is a nutter as much as the Joker. He just has lots of time. 
> 
> "Do you think this matters? You are but seconds in my life! Only I know humanity for what it truly is! Only I can see the grand movements of generations! Only I, undying, can live within this world and protect it from itself! "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Batman under the Red Hood is the inspiration for this.

_I follow your exploits very closely, Detective! I find them nearly as fascinating as my own. What is light without darkness? What are you without the famed Clown? I had long heard of the famed insolence of the Joker. I set him upon you, Detective, so that my dreams of a better world not commanded by fools could grow. I did not realize how uncontrollable the Clown was. I thought myself smarter. I thought myself able to control the chaos._

_I told him his insolence would not be tolerated. The Joker laughed. He is in chaos. He beat the Detective’s son to near death with a crowbar and only left so that the bomb would give the Detective false hope. A hope was shredded by the bomb’s blast. The boy’s body was in pieces. The Joker had murdered the boy. It was not by design._

_I never shied away from drawing blood. It is true that I am brutal. My brutality always has a purpose. Always a sacrifice for greater goals, never just for the sake of brutality. The Detective is inconsolable. His sharp mind is dulled by grief. He knows neither reason nor time._

_His entire being is held to that moment of just coming to the location too late to save his son. His holy quest is forgotten. The future he yearns for is no longer consuming his days._ _There is no Hell. No Heaven. Only the now and what we make for ourselves. I will rectify this disservice. I have sent Talia to him. I will return a son to his house either by the Lazarus Pit or by my own line’s continuance. There is no man his equal-- therefore, he is the only man my Talia can love. Soon enough._

_But for now, I must be patient... he needs comforting. Talia can give you all you need, Detective... and more. You long for peace, a better world. I too long for a better world. This is my dream. And when my world is realized, you will sit at my side along with my daughter!_

_Ask yourself, detective... who in your life would wish to come back from the dead? We all have our addictions, Detective. Whisper's is me. In turn, mine is the Lazarus Pit. My daughter's is you. And yours is your holy quest._

_I have walked this world for nearly six centuries thanks to the waters of the Lazarus Pit. Now, I shall test its more fabled attributes. I will place within it the body of Jason Todd. It was easy enough to acquire his body._

_You had traveled to Europe in the guise of Bruce Wayne. You departed as such with the cover story of your young ward dying in an assassination attempt meant for you. I felt confident you would not need to perform an autopsy. The authorities were easy enough to bribe. The body you retrieved was another young man who had died in one of the Joker’s performances. It was burned beyond recognition._

_I watch as the chains lower the true body of Jason Todd into the Lazarus Pit. Every piece of him has been sewn together like the monster of Frankenstein. The chains release. We wait._

_Meteors start to fall. The sky continues to be lit with meteors. They covered the sky. They all burn in the atmosphere—sparks against the curtain of night. The sensors we placed on the body remain silent. I count my own heartbeat. To 1,200, and then there it is. I hear a leaden heartbeat like a drum. It spins faster and faster till the sensor reads that it is going into Tachycardia._

_Jason Todd breaks the surface of the Pit screaming. He rushes to the side. My guards try to stop him. He slays them before scaling the wall, still screaming. I give chase, but he flees to a window. He jumps free. I will send my men to recover the body._

_Hours later, there are only more dead guards. Detective, I have returned your son to you as a blight upon your house. I find myself hoping that he dies before he reaches Gotham. The Detective will make war upon me, and all I hold dear. Talia may have been successful, and a true heir will be born to me. I will do anything to guarantee that future. Would you not detective?_


	21. Maintaining Boundaries is a bitch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gar POV.  
> This has been an adventure. I wrote this. Lost it. Edited the crap out of it due to being all over the place. I have attempted to post it and had it disappear. Charge! 
> 
> I am sorry for all the edits for those who read this last chapter. I made a promise to post it by the end of this weekend, but I still think it needs more work.

Raven was here. She was in his arms. Warm skin with roses and vanilla with tobacco, patchouli, oakmoss, and sandalwood filled his nose. No, Rachel was here. He and Dick had gone outside to the garden. Gar had seen the shimmer of her teleportation and ran. He had to hold her.

The Manor (as Dick was insisting on calling the place) had a freaking hedge maze like out of The Shining. He didn’t think anyone really had those! Tara was on their heels. It was annoying. The past two days were a trial of his patience and faith.

Initially, the Titans had left Rachel in San Francisco. She was wearing the Raven mask and had told them she would not be joining them in Gotham. The priestess had insisted she remain due to a vision. All the Titans except Tara and Dick had protested. Tara’s face was blank. 

Gar wanted to grab Rachel and shake her. Her scent was gone. It was the maddening blank spot in the room. The tiger wanted to roar in Raven's face. Gar felt unbalance, like he was riding a rollercoaster that had lost its belts. Rachel had been snatched away from him again! Gar was confused. He was angry. Dick looked like he had been kicked repeatedly. Dick silenced all the Titans with a single raised hand.

“ I understand, Raven.” Dick’s voice cracked. He gestured to the door. “Titans, go.” 

The team grumbled as they headed out to the cars arranged to take them to Bruce’s waiting jet. Gar had given Rachel a look. His Tiger was clawing at the edges of his mind trying to drag itself free.

“We are stronger together, Rachel,” Gar said those words as he shut the tower door. He heard no response, and it gutted him. Tears were falling down his face when he entered the elevator. The team likely thought his tears were for Jason. Terra tried to comfort him, but he pulled away. He had broken up with her the afternoon when he was cleared to go to Gotham. She didn’t seem to accept the breakup. He had bungled it. Tara had come into his room while he was starting to pack. The door closed, and her top was off. She tossed it to him. He had tossed it back to her. 

* * *

Memory:

_“Tara, I am breaking up with you. “ She had a shocked expression. She started to argue. There was no argument that she could mount against this decision. He did not even register her words. Tara’s scent remained calm and clear despite her words. It threw him_

_He blurted the rest out. “ I wasn’t in a place to start a relationship, but I did. It was wrong. I can’t date you. I am sorry. We will have some time to adjust to being just teammates while I am in Gotham.“_

_“Oh, BB Baby, I know you are just upset about Jason and the trial for Cadmus. “ Tara laughed. “ I know you don’t mean it.”_

* * *

Tara had kissed his cheek. She then flounced out of his room. She acted like nothing was wrong after that. It made packing for Gotham difficult. Tara kept touching him and ignoring him when he insisted they were broken up. He had to pull her hands off him continually. It almost made him doubt if he had actually said the words to her. 

True, he had used it is me, not you. It sounded like a line and a cop-out. It was the truth. Or at least part of it, he entered into a relationship with her when he wasn’t fully committed to the idea of him and Tara. The only bright spot was that he would be remaining in Gotham while the rest of the team(Tara) returned to San Francisco.

He and Dick would be testifying in a federal trial for Mercy and Cadmus. A judge had approved a plea bargain that Bruce had worked out in exchange for their testimony. It turns out that clone is a misnomer for Connor; a judge had ruled that an artificially created embryo had been grown to physical maturity. Eve had used one of her own harvested eggs in the process. She was his creator and now his legal mother. The same judge had ruled that Connor was legally the child of Superman, Lex Luthor, and Eve Watson. 

The team had been quiet as they had flown into Gotham. Gar had texted Rachel before they took off that he was still planning on talking to Zatanna. He told her that he would also check out Jason’s casket. Gar spent the entire flight listening to a playlist Cliff had sent him. He seesawed between trusting that Rachel would join them in Gotham and believing that he had lost her again. He did not know what to believe. Gar decided to choose faith. Faith that she would come to say goodbye to their friend.

_I guess faith is all you have left to guide you when everything else is lost. I have faith in Rachel. Faith in us._

He had hope that Superman would recognize Connor and have some relationship with him. Gar’s life was messed up, but his parents had died. They did not choose not to have anything to do with him.

The jet had landed. Gotham did not look like he pictured it in the daylight. He thought there would be omnipresent darkness. It just looked like a big city to Gar’s human eyes. Something set his beasts on edge. He felt the tiger rubbing at the edges of his mind. It cried to be alert. 

There was a lot of old architecture that seemed to love gargoyles and spikes. Gar looked out of the limos and could not figure what was driving his tiger mad. Was it because Rachel had lost herself to Raven? He decided that wasn’t it. He trusted Rachel. Something about this place wasn’t right. Rachel had texted him two words: thank you. 

Alfred had met them at the Manor. Dick made some crack about it being Stately Wayne Manor when they pulled up to the gate. Gar had a room in the Family Wing- next to Dick. Tara had even tried to move her luggage into the room Gar had been given by Bruce! Or Alfred had assigned him the room. What was that relationship? Alfred cleared his throat and picked up Tara's suitcase.

"Follow me, Miss Markov. Your room is on another floor. " Alfred's voice was cool. Gar was relieved. 

"Thank you, Alfred, for showing me to my room." Alfred turned and nodded his way. Gar was intimidated by the man for some reason. Maybe because Bruce seemed to be? Alfred was the butler, but Bruce deferred to him on so many things. Gar shook his head. He couldn’t unpack that relationship.

The other Titans were spread throughout the Manor. Bruce had set Connor and Eve in a guest house on the grounds of the Manor. It was for their safety and for Connor's visitation with Luthor. It turns out that Eve’s permanent residence was listed in Gotham. As the recognized mother, she filed for emergency custody with court-monitored visitation available for each of his fathers. Connor was recognized as U.S. Citizen. Eve was being represented by Harvey Dent, who was on leave from the District Attorney’s office till Connor’s status was clarified. It was Dent and his team of volunteers who had won Connor his citizenship. 

Freaky thing, Connor was not the first person who had three parents. That blew Gar’s mind. The other three-parent baby, human offspring produced from the genetic material of one man and two women through assisted reproductive technologies, specifically mitochondrial manipulation (or replacement) technologies and three-person in vitro fertilization (IVF). The only other triple parent-child was a year old and aging normally. Connor was breaking new legal ground. Given the nature of him being physically near adulthood, a Gotham family court was having to decide if Connor was an adult or a minor child. 

Connor wasn't over a year old chronologically. Since he could be a child, the court heard arguments that Eve abandoned Connor and had alienated him from his fathers. Dent argued that Eve feared for her life, and Connor was kidnapped from her custody previously by Cadmus. Luthor claimed that Cadmus had been officially tasked with finding his kidnapped “son.” They had strayed from that task with their own agenda. It was a nightmare. Eve was still in physical danger, but she was acting like she was the one bulletproof.

Gar had been in such a fog he barely registered the Eve had met them at the jet. Eve had grabbed Connor’s hand and walked him into the jet. She really hadn’t let go of Connor since she arrived at the airstrip. 

Lex Luthor arrived two hours after they landed. He had a social worker who was assigned to monitor his interactions with Connor. Eve was forbidden from the room while they visited for an hour. 

Eve had near paced a hole in the carpet. Bruce was trying to distract her by asking her about Connor's creation/ birth. The door opened. Eve nearly bowled the social worker over in her haste to get to Connor. Luthor made some comments about being committed to their co-parenting situation. Eve had smiled a brittle smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Luthor. “ Eve had moved in front of Connor. He was six feet plus Kryptonian badass whose five-foot-nothing mom was all but holding him behind her, “ I hope Connor’s other father is as committed to his well-being.”

Superman had not set up a single visit with the court. Luthor was already scheduled twice a week every week, till the trial for Connor’s competency. Bruce offered to walk (escort) Luthor out. Gar had hung out in the living room with Connor the first night. Eve had made them popcorn with parmesan cheese and garlic salt to watch Willow. She sat on the couch. Connor had sat next to her. Connor was trying to take up as little space as possible. Eve sat the popcorn in Connor's lap and kissed Connor's forehead. At that moment, Connor and Eve's scent shifted. They both calmed. For the first time, Gar could smell a similarity to their scents. Eve stood up abruptly. She went out of the room. Eve returned with a blanket. It had a Cadmus logo but was worn. Eve wrapped it around Connor's shoulders. 

"Thanks, . .Mom"

"You are welcome, my sweet boy." Gar turned on the movie. At some points, they had to stop and explain parts to Connor. Connor had a hard time telling what was true or fiction due to his unique situation. He had genetic memory of all sorts of facts, but no context. 

Eve walked Gar to the door of the guest house. It was a twenty minute walk to his room in the Manor. It was late when he got to his room. Tara was in his bed naked. FUCKING HELL. Gar barely kept from shouting at her.

" Get the hell out"

"BB Baby, I know . ."

"Get out Tara."

She sat up and the sheet fell.

"Get out Tara. I broke up with you. " Gar went and grabbed a blanket out of the closet. Dick had told them there were extra blankets in all the closets. Gar threw it over Tara.

"Get out, now."

She grumbled and swore under her breath. It took forever for her to get out. Gar was so tempted to make a scene, but he felt guilty. Gar did not want to hurt his friends by adding this to their plates. There was enough going on. It just was driving him insane. Tara had kept following him everywhere since they arrived. Gar was looking forward to her return to San Francisco. 

_I feel like I am tripping over her_. 

The morning after they arrived, Gar and Dick had paid a visit to the chapel where Jason's body was. Gar let out his animal senses. He smelled a strong pickle-like scent. Formaldehyde. Whatever was in there was embalmed with it, he concentrated. A musky, nauseating, and sweet scent caught his nose. His animal brain recognized it. It was the scent of burned human flesh. Underneath, there was something familiar. Gar's knees buckled. He shook with sobs. Dick's arms were around him. They stayed that way until Alfred came to tell them to dress for the wake. His throat was sore from crying when he texted Rachel that it was Jason. He had smelled some part of him in that casket. 

Gar was walking in the Manor with Dick. It was filled with people Gar had recognized from mission reports and the news. He kept getting glimpses of Zatanna, but she seemed always to have just left as Gar would find her.

Dick was explaining how he had ridden a bike down the main stair railing. Jason had heard this tale and decide to one-up him by riding a motorcycle down the main stairs. His phone chimed in his pocket. 

**Rachel phone: Would you go outside? I need you to be somewhere open so I can teleport there.**

**Gar phone: Yes. Give me ten.**

He asked Dick to follow him. Rachel shimmered in. Gar ran. All he knew was she was here. The warm spiced scent that was his Rachel. He pulled back and let her greet Dick. 

“I am so glad you are here.” Gar grabbed Rachel’s hand. “Will you come with me to talk?”

Rachel gave him a small smile. “Yes, Gar.”

He lead her through the mansion without looking at Tara. Dick grabbed Tara’s arm to keep her from following. 

"Let go of my arm Grayson."

"Leave them alone Tara. They need to talk."


End file.
